The only thing worse than having to hear "The Christmas Shoes" on the radio is the thought of visiting the mall between Thanksgiving and December 24th. So why bother trying to elbow your way through the masses? We got ideas for all the Christmas shopping you need to do right here and it's all thanks to the Real Housewives.
If there is one thing these ladies can do it's shill. OK, they're good fighters, too. Oh, and champion narcissists. But other than brawling and flattering themselves, they're also excellent at using their fame to sell us crappy products. Mostly jewelry and booze, but there are other things too. Like books, they write a lot of books. Here is your complete Real Housewives Gift Guide. Sorry, but each wife only gets one product, so there are still more that aren't even on the list. Yes, it's a travesty.
Ramona Pinot Grigio: Regular muggle wine isn't good enough for the Housewives, and it shouldn't be good enough for you either. This wine is made from the fermented nectar of crushed dreams. Enjoy.
Who to Buy It For: Your boozy best friend
Available At: Wherever fine liquors are sold.
Wines by Wives: The only thing better than watching Housewives drink wine and do stupid things is imbibing the same wine that they're drinking while watching them do stupid things. Pick which wife you want to pick out your wine.
Who to Buy It For: Your wine snob father
Available At: Wines By Wives
Skinny Girl Margaritas: An empire is not built by television programs alone and a mogul is not measured by the number of catchphrases she spawns. Help build Bethenny Frankel's brand while slimming down.
Who to Buy It For: Your tubby neighbor
Available At: Everywhere, girl
Fabulicious!: Fast and Fit: Teresa's Low-Fat, Super Easy Italian Recipes: If all the punctuation in this title were macaroni, you'd be so fat right now.
Who to Buy It For: Your coworker who always talks about Weight Watchers
Available At: Amazon
Yummie Tummie Shapewear: Why buy someone clothes when you can make them look better in the ones they already have? Heather Thompson would say "Holla!" at this point.
Who to Buy It For: Your sister-in-law who can't drop the baby weight
Available At: Yummie Life Dot Com
Jill Zarin's Evil Eye Pendant: Ward off Bethenny Frankels everywhere with these "brilliant pave crystals" from Jill Zarin Jewelry.
Who to Buy It For: Everyone
Available At: Jill Zarin Jewelry, which a million people follow on social media
What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship, and Love: Carole Radziwill is a good person and a great writer. Even Oprah liked this!
Who to Buy It For: People you actually care about
Available At: Amazon
SkyZone Sports Gift Card: Even former Real Housewives need to make money. Why not hop on over to Alexis Bellino's trampoline park? It is sponsored by Our Personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Who to Buy It For: Kids. Christians.
Available At: In Anaheim
Adrienne Maloof Yvonne Sandal: Nothing says luxury like a sparkly spiked strappy heel. And it's 50% off!
Who to Buy It For: Your brother's slutty girlfriend
Available At: Belk.com (What even is that?)
Lynne Curtain Cuff: Remember Lynne, the scared squirrel from the OC who designed awful bracelets and named them after her horrible daughters? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Who to Buy It For: That girl in your office you hate
Available At: Lynne Curtain Dot Com
A Gift Certificate to SUR: Who doesn't want to eat at Lisa Vanderpump's sexy, unique restaurant? And you get to hang with the cast of Vanderpump Rules, yet another reality show.
Who to Buy It For: Your fat cousin who is visiting L.A.
Available At: In person in Beverly Hills
A House from The Agency: Sure Mauricio Umansky isn't really a Housewife, but he finances Kyle Richards' lifestyle. And who doesn't have $16 milllion to plop down on a property?
Who to Buy It For: Yourself, stupid. Or me. I'll take it.
Available At: How about this Bel Air Mansion?
Viva Diva Wines: You always wanted to get drunk with Kim Zolciak and now you can. Well, at least with her line of flavored wines. Did she grow up on Boone's Farm or something?
Who to Buy It For: Your drunk sister (or, if you want to be the cool aunt/uncle, your high school-aged nieces and nephews)
Available At: Viva Brands USA
Sonja Home Toaster Oven: Yes, you have a toaster and you have an oven, but do you have a toaster oven? No?! How are you going to make frozen pizza?
Who to Buy It For: Your college-aged child
Available At: Nowhere (this product is still hypothetical)
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Splash News]
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The thing about Christmas, and Hanukkah, and family, and presents is that you don't always get what you want. Each year, the mound of gifts that waits for you under the tree fills your soul with hope, anticipation, and expectation. And each year, those hopes are dashed upon the shore of broken dreams with each festive bow you untie; each glittering piece of paper you rip to shreds.
But blessed is the relative who includes a gift receipt at the bottom of your package. All hope is not lost! In two shakes of a lamb's tail and four hours spent in traffic on the way to the mall (or, for smart people, fifteen minutes on the Interweb) that sad, unwanted present can become something awesome. Lucky for you, we have the ultimate resource for finding the perfect substitutes for your meh gifts right here.
Let's say your mom gives you a scrunchie; trade it in for... An embellished headband just like Jess wears! This New Girl may currently be single and unemployed, but her snappy style never takes a day off. She knows you're never fully dressed without a smile (and some great accessories).
Find it at: Anthropologie
Your grandmother gives you an ugly Christmas sweater, complete with reindeer and actual jingle bells; trade it in for... One of Taylor Swift's polka dot sweaters! Taylor always looks cozy (and perfectly twee) in her oversized sweaters, and we guarantee you hers don't itch (sorry Nana).
Find it at: French Connection
Your brother gives you an "I Heart New York" shot glass he bought for $3 at the bus station; trade it in for... An authentic Paddy's Irish Pub flask! The It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia gang sure knows how to have a good time. Be ready for a party anywhere at any time with this bad boy.
Find it at:
Roseanne Barr is in talks with folks at NBC to make her return to television on their new sitcom, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me Chelsea. If they nab the comedienne, the show will have a really great shot at officially becoming the most obnoxious sitcom soon to be on television. Bravo.
The show's creator, Chelsea Handler, told The Hollywood Reporter that she's hoping to bring Barr on the protagonist's (also named Chelsea) aunt. To refresh your memory, Are You There, Vodka? is the multicamera sitcom based on Handler's book that finds Chelsea fresh off a DUI charge, working at a bar, and dealing with her overbearing, overly wholesome sister (played by Handler) and a ridiculous set of friends.
The aunt role is apparently a much better offer for Barr, who was originally slated to cameo as a "lesbian prison inmate who befriends Chelsea after her arrest for a DUI." Wow, this show just keeps getting classier and classier. Apparently that role wasn't abolished; it was merely recast with Dot Jones, who you may recognize as Coach Beiste from Glee. Speaking of which, whatever happened to Coach Beiste?
Anyway, Handler is hopeful that Barr will accept her offer, saying that the actress has expressed interest. The role would entail multiple guest appearances and hopefully something a little less stereotypical than a lady prisoner who's also a lesbian. It also makes it less likely that I'll stick around during Are You There, Vodka?'s time slot when this show finally hits NBC's line-up at the midseason mark.