If someone tells you they watch Saturday Night Live on Saturday night they are lying. If someone tells you they watch the entire episode and not feel like fast-forwarding through one or two (or all) of the sketches they are also lying. That is why my SNL viewing should take place on Sunday morning, where you can easily jump over the boring, painful bits. Plus, if you think it's enjoyable to sit through the same car commercial 7 times you are also so very, very wrong. Instead of reviewing all the sketches on Vince Vaughn's return to SNL, I break it down by what point I bailed on each sketch and why. Do you agree with where I gave up? Let us know in the comments below! Gun Control Cold Open: 3 minutes.When I Bailed: When Papa John's Pizza became the focus of the discussion. I'm afraid it was too close to the truth to actually be funny.Times I Laughed: 1
Vince Vaughn Audience Monologue: 4 minutes.When I Bailed: When Vaughn decided he was hosting the Maury show. Times I Laughed: 1
Al Pacino Biopics: 1 minute.When I Bailed: After the amazing Amanda Knox impression. Nothing could have topped that.Times I Laughed: 2
The Weather Channel: 2 minutesWhen I Bailed: Not long after 'Stormy Skies'' bumpy open. The corny soap opera for The Weather Channel would have been better if everyone just shouted out absurd headlines for moderate weather. I don't care about the precipitation in your pants, unless you're actually going to show us.Times I Laughed: 1
History of Punk: The whole thing! 4 minutes 30 seconds.When I Bailed: I didn't! This wasn't funny at all, but since it resembled VH1's entire TV lineup, I couldn't turn away. Times I Laughed: 0 Short Term Memory Loss Theater: 30 seconds.When I Bailed: When I realized this sketch wasn't only unfunny, but it actually put me to sleep in 30 seconds.Times I Laughed: 0
Weekend Update: 5 minutesWhen I Bailed: When Seth Myers started talking about the Cookie Monster. I did however stick around for the full 'Accidental Racist' sketch. Although it wasn't exactly original (they literally had Keenan Thompson quote LL Cool J's most recent interview at one point), it was necessary and still funny. Because when you have a song like 'Accidental Racist' and LL actually saying "It wasn't perfect," you barely have to say anything at all. Times I Laughed: 3 Junior Prom: The whole thing! 4 minutes 30 seconds.When I Bailed: Was probably a mistake, but I didn't! I'm a sucker for the prom, so I had hope. But things got weird when Vaughn removed his Liz Claiborne outer coat to snap dance with a boy with a half-mullet. Then, with a boy wearing an electric red cummerbund. It sounds funny, but it wasn't. Times I Laughed: 1 Roundball Rock: 2 minutes.When I Bailed: After the second rendition of "Basketball" when I felt a migraine coming on.Times I Laughed: 0
Last Call: 2 minutes.When I Bailed: After "blended genitals" was uttered. Times I Laughed: 1 (and it had to do with bar hair)
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It's been many moons since we last got our fix of the Big Bad B. When we left off, June was emotional Sacagawea-ing through Chloe's family's Thanksgiving dinner (in a wheelchair, no less), and Dawson was harshly doling out food at a fancy volunteer soup kitchen. It was a holiday where no one was thankful, no one gave kisses, and, in fact, our key players grew more selfish. Each and every one of them. It was glorious, and this week's episode kept in stride.
We started off with a flashback, but of course! June was just named one of the top analysts at some goatee-style company, and she was as gleeful as creepy naked neighbor Eli on a humid day. But she didn't get there easily, we found out – and it had to do with pouring liquid on Cruela's face, or something. But more on that later.
See, the B thought June had a big problem. Every time she'd come back into their apartment, June was being all gluttonous, eating three meals a day. Gross. Not to mention her sagging boobs. Gross-gross. Meanwhile, June was secretly watching her psychotic roommate closer than ever, and noticed a few red flags of her own. One being the constant partying and drinking and slutty tops and dirty hair. So, they each decided to have an intervention of sorts for one another. It all seemed mature, really. June was going to get off her ass and try to get a new job (with her face). And Chloe... well, she was just going to continue on her merry cocktail way.
The frenemies hit the town in trashy bedazzled dresses and attempted to pick up finance dudes at some d-bagery happy hour joint. June tried to talk to a few in her best get-me-a-job-I'm-cute voice, but to no avail. So, she split. She gave up in moments – as non-New Yorkers do – and turned around to head home to what could only be a half-eaten pizza. Chloe, on the other hand, had no problem luring in balding tools in suits. There was talk of Candy Land and Monopoly and other miscellaneous board games until the B ended up straddling a suit while holding a knife on the floor of the bar's kitchen. It's called "networking," she explained.
And it worked! Chloe got June an interview. She did it! Being a slut really does get you ahead! Her lover, "Trey," was so smitten with her, he called his dad (the boss) to interview June. And he gave her the job right on the spot – granted Chloe continue to bone his son. Only problem: "Trey" wasn't exactly… together. He was… slow. You see, he had a head injury and therefore couldn't communicate. Period. Something was fishy, and no one in the room liked it. June ran home to get to the bottom of it, and Dawson informed her that, yes, Chloe occasionally gets fooled by "martini goggles." It has always been a problem for the B, and for the rest of us. But for June, this was her chance at freedom.
The only thing getting in June's way was Chloe's sobriety – which, luckily, is something hardly ever seen. But still, she needed Chloe to stay sloshed at all times so that she wouldn't find out the hunk she thought she was bending over backwards for (literally) had some sort of bizarre disability. So, June did the only thing anyone would do in this situation: she roofied her roommate. Chloe became "party girl" instantly, and the charade of "Trey" lived on.
But all demented good things must come to an end, as they say. Flash-forward to the opening scene where June was being congratulated. Chloe appeared from the Devil's mouth and waltzed right up to "Trey," sober, and planted a wet one on his unaware mouth. A confused June didn't know what to say. Turns out, Dawson filled Chloe in on her martini goggles. And you know what? She didn't care at all. Not one bit. Hell, she was just happy to have gotten laid.
As for Dawson, he had quite the bumpy ride. You see, he was going to be on Dancing With the Stars! Okay, so not officially, but you know, for the sake of this fiction-meets-reality sitcom. He was giddy as ever when he sashayed into the B's apartment, flaunting Flamenco shoes and an eye sparkle. It was like the time he so proudly sported cargo pants and flannel in, well, every episode of Dawson's Creek. He even started bonding with June's mom via Skype over all the dancers and how he'd get ahead during the season. No. 1: get a catchphrase ("James likey!" was the frontrunner). But things didn't go as he expected. When Dawson found out his partner was a notorious failure, he nearly burst into tears. He needed to get out of this mess if he wanted a chance at winning DWTS. Luckily, June's mom had a plan. A plan to rid his fool of a partner for good. Let's just say, a call was made, and all was right in the world again.
[Image Credit: ABC]
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Next weekend audiences will return to theaters to see Titanic, and it's easy to understand why — unless you're one of the film's stars, that is. While the film may conjure up memories of developing a teenage crush on Jack and weeping as Rose promises to "never let go," all Kate Winslet sees is a young actress turning in a rather shoddy performance. "Every single scene, I’m like ‘Really, really? You did it like that? Oh my God,'" she says. “Even my American accent, I can’t listen to it. It’s awful. Hopefully it’s so much better now. It sounds terribly self indulgent but actors do tend to be very self-critical. I have a hard time watching any of my performances, but watching Titanic I was just like, ‘Oh God, I want to do that again.’”
According to director James Cameron, Leonardo DiCaprio feels the same way. "I didn't show him the whole film but I showed him 18 minutes of it a few months ago," Cameron explains. "It was a good reunion for us but great to watch his reaction. He couldn't believe it. He said to me, 'I'm such a young punk. Look at me.' He was practically crawling under the seat. It was a good moment."
Winslet and DiCaprio aren't the only actors who find their early work cringe-inducing. Here's a look at the other actors who can't stand their most iconic roles.
Though Leonard Nimoy eventually embraced the role of Spock, he wrote the book on this subject — literally. Nimoy thought he'd finally be able to move past the Spock role when Star Trek was canceled in 1969, but when the show became a cult hit, he found he couldn't escape the pointy-eared Vulcan. He lamented in the 1975 book I Am Not Spock, "I went through a definite identity crisis. The question was whether to embrace Mr. Spock or to fight the onslaught of public interest. I realize now that I really had no choice in the matter. Spock and Star Trek were very much alive and there wasn’t anything that I could do to change that." Nimoy initially refused to appear in a Star Trek TV reboot and insisted on having Spock killed off in the films. Later he came to terms his sci-fi star status, appeared as Mr. Spock in multiple projects, and penned the appropriately-titled book I Am Spock.
The Cast of Star Wars
As for the other major sci-fi franchise, practically all of the actors in Star Wars wound up hating the films. Carrie Fisher recalls some Princess Leia horror stories in her autobiography Wishful Drinking, writing, "George Lucas ruined my life." Alec Guinness hated the character of Obi-Wan so much that he pushed to have him killed off, and once told a child who said he'd seen the films 100 times that he'd only give him an autograph if he promised never to watch them again.
The Men Who Wore Batman's Cowl
George Clooney was so mortified by Batman & Robin that he's jokingly offered to refund the ticket price to anyone who saw the film in the theater. Christian Bale is pleased with his work as the caped crusader (despite his unintentionally hilarious Batman voice), but is no fan of the beloved musical Newsies. "At 17, you want to be taken very seriously — you don't want to be doing a musical,'' he says. ''Time healed those wounds. But it took a while.''
Though it didn't stop him from appearing in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Shia LaBeouf admits that the second Transformers installment was an embarrassment. "There are a lot of people that liked the second one, but I hated it. I just didn't enjoy it," he says. "I thought we missed the mark. I got confused, I couldn't see what the f*ck was going on, you know with certain robots... I couldn't decipher what was happening. There were storyline paths that I just wouldn't have gone down."
Joey Potter fans definitely weren't wild about Michelle Williams' character Jen Lindley on Dawson's Creek, and years later she admitted she thought the wildly popular teen drama was cheesy. "I said to a friend being on Dawson's Creek was kind of like being a mobster," she said. "You set up a shop selling pizza but in the back you're laundering money. You're doing one thing in plain sight and secretly plotting something else. I was plotting my tastes, my interests, my beliefs and hopes for what I could be."
So far the stars of Harry Potter, Twilight, and The Hunger Games still seem to love the roles that launched them into megastardom, but don't be surprised if you hear Emma Watson bashing Hermione Granger after she's picked up a few Oscars.
[Movieline, StarTrekdom, Cracked, EW, Worst Previews, Huffington Post, Us]
S2:E2 Greetings fellow Jersey Shore-displaced goers! Welcome back to Miami, where the bathing suits are skimpy and there’s a guy named J-420 lounging somewhere.
We began last night’s episode with a continuation of what we saw last week, when Ronnie was at the club mackin’ on all the grenades because he got totally wasted on pink drinks. When the guys got back into the house, Ronnie told all of them to watch carefully, as he was going to creep into Sammi’s bed…even after swapping spit with all of the gnarly chicks who were greasing the poles that night. That’s particularly gross, sorry. But the funniest part of the scene was as Ronnie was telling everyone his plans of coating Sammi’s body with pesticides, the Situation was folding his shirts…. because that’s what everyone does when they get home from the club: make their habitat nicer.
Once Ronnie was in bed with Sammi, the guys congregated and talked about how crazy he was and the Situation poignantly called it a “bad situation.” Ronnie woke up the next morning, and had a few minutes to figure out if he was going to pretend like he didn’t remember what he did the night before, or if he was going to admit to Sammi that he would be the cause of her future infestation of bed bugs. Once the rest of the roommates woke up, Sammi questioned what Ronnie did at the club after she left. Nobody admitted to anything, and after they put on their uniforms of black wifebeaters, sunglasses, jeans and this necklace, they drove somewhere. JWoww, Snooki and Sammi got in the other car and drove to a “tranny shop,” because they had good club clothes there. JWoww found a marvelous top that might also double as a garter when she gets married one day. Snooki bought a pair of glasses with crystals on the front, that she didn’t care she couldn’t see out of because it’s not like she’ll ever be able to walk any better.
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Ronnie essentially told Angelina not to tell Sammi about the events regarding the girls at the club, and because she had no friends in the house, she agreed she’d keep her mouth shut. While this was happening, the Situation poured three bottles of A1 sauce on chickens and put them in the refrigerator in such a way that the next person who went in for a pickle (hint hint) would get clobbered in chicken and brown fingerlickin’ good stuff. Of course it was Snooki who introduced the chicken to the floor, and she didn’t know how to clean it up. Instead, she cleaned her slippers wearing her crystallized glasses. It was like what you’d see if you cut the eyes, ears, tail and feet off of a mouse and demanded that it still run through a maze. I almost forgot: Vinny, the prospective Harvard or Yale Law School applicant, asked the Situation, who was innocently chillin’ in the neon yellow Jacuzzi, what he should do with the chicken on the floor. I predict, in next week’s NYMag’s Approval Matrix, in the “highbrow, brilliant” corner will be this picture:
Then, Sammi and Ronnie got into a fight because Sammi was casually sitting at the phone and saw Ronnie’s ex-girlfriend’s number written down in a notebook that’s presumably the home for pizza cheese stains. Sammi confronted Ronnie and he admitted he had spoke to his ex two weeks ago. While that was going on, Snooki confronted Angelina about “being on [her] shit so hard,” and how she was talking smack about her girls, her boyfriend, or her family when she was in Long Island. JWoww stepped in talking like the Godfather to defend Snooki AND to yell about how Angelina was mouthing off to her friends, J-420 (YES!) and Joey Yanks. The Situation informed us even though she’s a girl, JWoww does more damage than a wrecking ball when provoked. You guys, when this television show is finally over, there will be no point to watch television OR have eyes anymore. There just won’t be any point.
Sammi apologized to Ronnie for lashing out about the ex-girlfriend thing, and Ronnie admitted that when he talked to her, his ex-girlfriend encouraged him to try and work things out with Sammi. Ronnie evoked his Shakespearean cliff notes and maintained Sammi would be his downfall. They agreed to work on things, and Sammi accompanied Ronnie to get a tattoo because he wanted to feel some pain. Isn’t it like that saying, “never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry?” Isn’t getting a tattoo when you’re trying to figure out what to do with your ex that you live with kind of the same thing? No? At least that’s the code I live by.
That night everyone went out and Angelina got drunk to try and forget how everyone in the house hates her and it would have been better for her to stay in Long Island talking to J-420. Pauly D made out with a married woman, and got her number. Angelina tried to subtly voice her disapproval to Pauly D over this, but he didn’t care because married girls still know how to fight clean and f**k dirty. This upset her and when they got back to the house, she smacked him for “not understanding” that she loved him and wanted to marry him. Pauly D yelled and yelled that from this point forward (this point right here in the sand – no not that one, this one. Look over here you can’t see it from there, well put on your glasses then!), Angelina had nobody in the house that liked her.
So will Angelina leave next week? No. Should she? No. Do I want her to? No, not really, because it’s fun to watch her talk about how classy she is when she’s drinking out of a plastic cup and her skirt is hiked up to her elbows. Pure pleasure.