Last week, the world learned about the blog 300 Sandwiches and its creator, New York Post reporter Stephanie Smith. And everyone had something to say about it.
Here's the gist, if you somehow managed to miss the story: Smith's boyfriend begged her for weeks to make him a sandwich and when she finally gave in, announced that she was only "300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!" And, because this is how people's minds work these days, Smith decided to take on the challenge and document her it in a blog.
The project already sounds like a poorly envisioned romantic comedy, so why don't we turn it into one? We've got our dream cast all lined up, for both the real-life players and some fictional characters we added to the mix.
Lea Michele as Stephanie Smith
As the Type-A Rachel Berry on Glee, Michele shows just the right mix of unsettling positivity and manic energy necessary to play the marriage-hungry blogger.
Ian Somerhalder as Stephanie's Boyfriend
We imagine that the sandwich-loving programmer is dashing enough to inspire this kind of lunacy, yet smarmy enough to ask for it in the first place.
Krysten Ritter as Single Gal #1
Ritter would kill it as the disapproving friend whose kitchen, Smith claims, "is used for shoe storage."
Emma Watson as Single Gal #2
We like the idea of Hermione Granger herself playing the second girlfriend ("a hard-working C-suite banking executive), who thinks Smith's plan is disturbingly outdated.
Regina Taylor as the Gourmet Deli Owner
Taylor's character could provide some wise council to Smith during her frequent sandwich ingredient shopping trips. And she can help get her into the arms of...
Chris Pine as The Good Guy Chef
How about dreamy, blue-eyed Pine for the guy who falls in love with the blogger at the deli and wins her when he offers to make her a couple hundred layered delicacies?
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Much like its Greek mythological source material Wrath of the Titans is light on dramatic characterization sticking to blunt moral lessons and fantastical battles to tell its epic tale. That's perfectly acceptable for its 100 minute run time in which director Jonathan Liebesman (Battle: Los Angeles) unleashes an eclectic hoard of monsters upon his gruff demigod hero Perseus. The creature design is jagged gnarly and exaggerated not unlike a twelve-year-old's sugar high-induced crayon creations — which is perfect as Wrath is tailor made to entertain and enamor that slice of the population.
Clash of the Titans star Sam Worthington once again slips on the sandals to take on a not-quite-based-on-a-myth adventure a mission that pits Perseus against the greatest force in the universe: Kronos formally-incarcerated father of the Gods. A few years after his last adventure Perseus is grieving for his deceased wife and caring for their lone son but a visit from Zeus (Liam Neeson) alerts the warrior to a task even more urgent than his current seabass fishing gig. Irked that the whole Kraken thing didn't work out Hades (Ralph Fiennes) with the help of Zeus' disaffected son Ares (Edgar Ramirez) is preparing to unleash Kronos — and only Perseus has the required machismo to stop him. But Perseus enjoys the simple life and brushes off Zeus forcing the head deity to take matters into his own hands…just as Hades and Ares planned. The diabolical duo capture Zeus and having no one else to turn to Perseus proceeds into battle.
The actual reasoning for all the goings on in Wrath of the Titans tend to drift into the mystical realm of convolution but the ensemble and Liebesman's visual visceral directing techniques keep the messy script speeding along. As soon as one starts wondering why Perseus would ever need to hook up with battle-ready Andromeda (Rosamund Pike) or Poseiden's navigator son Agenor (Toby Kebbell) Liebesman and writers Dan Mazeu and David Johnson throw in another bombastic set piece another three-headed four-armed 10 000-fanged monstrosity on screen. Perseus' journey pits him against a fire-breathing Chimera a set of Cyclopses a shifting labyrinth (complete with Minotaur) and all the dangers that come with Hell itself. The sequences have all the suspense of an action figure sandbox brawl but on a towering IMAX screen they're geeky fun. If only the filler material was a bit more logical and interesting the final product would be the slightest bit memorable.
Liebesman reaps the best performances he possibly can from Wrath's silly formula Worthington again proves himself a charismatic underrated leading man. As the main trio of Gods Neeson Fiennes and Ramirez completely acknowledge how goofy shooting lightning bolts out of their hands must look on screen but they own it with campy fun tones. But the film's overwhelming CG spectacle suffocates the glimmer of great acting opting for slice-and-dice battle scenes over ridiculous (and fun) epic speak nonsense. If a movie has Liam Neeson as the top God it shouldn't chain him up in molten lava shackles for a majority of the time.
Wrath of the Titans is a non-offensive superhero movie treatment of classic heroes that feels more like an exercise in 3D monster modeling than filmmaking. Its 3D makeover never helps the creatures or Perseus pop turning Wrath into an even muddier affair than the single-planed alternative (although unlike Clash of the Titans you won't have 3D shaky-cam blur burned directly into your retinas). The movie reaches for that child sense of wonderment but instead cranks out a picture that may not even hold a child's attention.