With the introductions out of the way, this episode of Bachelor Pad was able to use it's entire two hours to build drama (which may or may not exactly exist before editing) and romance (if that's what you choose to call making out with someone you barely know). Such a relief. Is anyone else so glad that this show is two hours long? It totally has enough interesting things going on to warrant an entire two hours of air time. Two hours I could spend watching the Olympics. But I'm totally not bitter about how I spent my night. Noooo sir.
In honor of the Olympics —well, "honor" may be a strong word, but go with it — the second episode of this season of Bachelor Pad kicks off with a gymnastics challenge. Rhythmic gymnastics. Three tiny, leotard-clad, flexible (can't forget flexible) nymphlike creatures bound out onto the floor, hula hoops and ribbon sticks in hand, to perform feats the likes of which the Bachelor Pad contestants have never seen before. "That looks hard," says Nick as one of the nubile athletes (sure, we'll call 'em athletes) uses a hula hoop to raise her foot back behind her head. No kidding. Now it's your turn! The guys and gals are each tasked with performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine to be judged by rhythmic gymnastics experts Ashley Hebert (of The Bachelorette fame), her fiance JP Soon-to-be-Hebert, and Olympic medalist What's-Her-Name.
To say the guys were pumped to learn that they had to perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine while wearing Spandex unitards would be like saying, I don't know, something totally ridiculous. They are manly men! Manly men don't wear leotards! Manly men don't wave ribbons! Manly men don't jump like reindeer! Except, of course, when they do. Over on the ladies' side of Gymnastics Boot Camp things don't look much better. Giggles abound as limb after limb becomes ensnared in a dangerous web of ribbons. I'm honestly not sure if this is a training session or a Girl Scout basket-weaving class gone terribly awry.
But soon enough practice is over and it's time to show off for the judges. The girls go first, and me oh my, what a mess. Are they supposed to be in synch? Are they supposed to look graceful? Are they supposed to look like they're in pain? We may never know the answers to such questions. Good thing the guys are up next to show them how it's done. These manly men have got every flip of the wrist and flourish of the hand down pat; they are such natural-born rhythmic gymnasts they even throw in the worm, just for good measure. Everyone is impressed, present company included.
Now comes the hard part, our expert judges must pick the best and the worst rhythmic gymnasts. Erica Rose and Ed (poor, oblivious Ed, who just wasn't sassy enough) are dubbed The Worst and awarded one strike against them come judgement day. Blakely and Michael are the winners. Blakely and Michael receive roses and get to choose three people each for their amazingly romantic and intimate and private dates. Yay for Blakely and Michael.
As soon as the Blakely and Michael have roses pinned to their chests, the vultures descend. Erica tells Michael he needs to bring her on the date; he needs to save her from elimination. Michael nods his agreement and pats Erica on the back, then turns to the camera and is all, "Oh hell no! Only hot shorties get to come on my dates."
And so he picks Rachel, Donna, and Lindzi for a super romantic trip to a "rock" concert by a band I've never heard of and never want to hear again. The lead singer has floppy Justin Bieber hair and an ironic mustache, so he must be awesome. Donna, who I keep forgetting is a 22-year-old child, transforms into a slobbery puppydog whenever Michael is near. "I love him, I love him," she coos to all who will listen. It's actually painful to watch. Michael takes her for a twirl around the dance floor and she proclaims to the camera, "This is the best date I'll ever have in my life!" Oh honey, you know it's all pretend, right? Right? Please tell me you do. She doesn't. She's so blindly obsessed with Michael that she barely blinks when he starts making out with Rachel in the corner.
Back at the mansion, it's Jamie's 26th birthday and Ryan — the 32-year-old virgin — has baked her a cake. Jamie, who definitely doesn't eat cake, spends the night snuggling with Chris on a wicker sofa, saying embarrassing things like, "I can't believe you like me so much." Blakely doesn't like what she sees. And so heats up the Blakely/Jamie/Chris triangle for round two. And let me tell ya, round two refuses to die.
On Michael's date, Michael steals Rachel away for more tonsil hockey. "Rachel and Michael have been talking for hours," says Donna. Oh honey, "talking"? How did you get on this show? During her very own one-on-one time with Michael, Donna reveals a creepy Wedding Crashers sketch she did of him. Michael gives Donna a pity makeout, then he gives Rachel the rose. Donna is heartbroken. Put that girl on suicide watch, pronto.
Back at the mansion (again), Blakely, Jamie, and Chris are still strategizing, conniving, and manipulating one another. This continues for another 526 years, or until one of them gets voted off, whichever comes first.
Now it's time for Blakely's date (and I can't believe we're only halfway through this episode). She picks some boys, they go soapcar racing, nothing of note happens. Oh right, there's more "Blah blah Blakely blah blah I'm the best" from Chris. Chris gets the rose. I hate Chris.
Following the date, everyone in the mansion gets drunk and has a massive orgy. Everyone, that is, except for the twins. No one likes the twins; they don't even like each other. They spend the entire night squabbling and squawking, so loudly and for so long that I'm forced to turn the TV on mute. Michael, always the voice of reason, sums up the twins by saying, "I'm 28. I've met a lot of people on Planet Earth. I've never met people who fight so much. You know that sensation when you have a mosquito buzzing in your ear? That's what they are 24 hours a day." But praise Jesus, as the sun rises, the twins have packed their bags and are boarding the Subaru that will take them back to their depressing lives in Gainesville, FL.
With the twins gone, all the girls are safe this week. Only one guy will be voted off. David — poor, lonely, Bachelor-watching David — is positive he'll be the one to go. I am, too. I wonder if they'll drag this out or if the girls will vote quickly and just put him out of his misery. But, ho! What is this? Kalon has devised a plan! He wants to send the virginal Ryan home, and so he asks Lindzi to flutter from lady to lady like a pollinating bee, spreading his seeds of dissension. At the same time, Reid decides he wants to vote off Ed, simply because he is holding an ancient grudge agains the s**tshow of a man. Good luck with that one.
Finally, it's Rose Ceremony time. One-by-one, Chris Harrison calls the names:
Kalon Reid Nick Tony (You're still on this show? How's your son?) David Ed
Womp womp. It's the end of the road for Ryan, and before he got to put his P in anyone's V. Better luck next time, bud. As Ryan is driven away in the limo he can't help but wonder why Jamie decided to wear Madonna's fingerless gloves to the Rose Ceremony.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]
More: 'Bachelor Pad' Recap: 'Where's the Heat?' 'Bachelor Pad': Are Lindzi and Kalon Partners in Crime and in Bed? Predicting The Next 'Bachelor': How ABC Makes Its Decision
And, they're off! Bachelor Pad is back, my friends, and in the two-hour season premiere Monday night we have already seen (by my count): 1 bout of tears, 1 case of spit-swapping, 3 skinny-dippers, and 1.5 Erica Rose temper tantrums. Yep, looks like the gang is all here. And I, for one, couldn't be more glad to see them.
Since the entire Bachelor/ette/Pad franchise is based completely on being revolutionary, groundbreaking, and truly important television, for Season 3 of Bachelor Pad the powers that be have decided to throw five innocent(ish) super fans into the deep end with the vicious alums. Who are these doomed kids? Let's meet em.
Paige: This bubbly brunette either looks a lot like Rose McGowan or I watched too much Charmed in my youth. But, irregardless, she's cute and really knows how to make a good first impression. "When I see everyone, I'm feeling like I'm going to pee my pants — which was happened before," she tells the camera. I don't know about you, but I love talking about my lack of bladder control on the first date.
Chris: Chris is a burly SWAT team member who likes to unwind after a long day of kicking ass with a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, a Snuggie, and five hours of The Bachelorette on his DVR. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about this guy makes me want to do the loser cough. Wish I could figure out what it could be…
Donna: Holy fame! Bikini-clad Donna ended up on this show by accident when she stumbled into the wrong room in search of the Jersey Shore open casting call. Enough said.
David: This professional fighter may look like he's been hit in the face a dozen too many times, but I'm positive he's got a heart of gold. Somewhere. He also has an interesting taste in women, as exemplified by his self-proclaimed crush on both Lindzi and Blakely. Orange women are a turn-on? I'm not sure what else those two have in common.
Brittany and Erica: Twins! These two blondes share one brain and one vote on the show, as is only fair. Erica is a virgin and Brittany is… not. This is like one pizza delivery man away from a bad pornographic videotape. Fun fact about Brittany and Erica: When seen without their makeup, these ladies look like the little girl from Andre (you know, the sea lion movie).
As the contestants filter into the house one-by-one, the air immediately begins to spark from all the built up dramatic energy. Reid has some unfinished business with Ed, Chris B. is ready to mingle now that his "healing time" post his whopping dumping by Emily Maynard is complete, and Erica Rose is, here. Let me tell ya, the beginnings of this meet and greet are more awkward than a first kiss with braces. Things go from bad to worse when Ryan, the guy no one remembers, says to the camera, "Everyone knew me on DeAnna's season as the 28-year-old virgin. Now I'm the 32-year-old virgin." Dude, don't lead with that. I promise you, it won't help you change your prospects.
As all the girls pretend to be nice to Blakely Fakely (while then trashing her behind her back like real friends do), Ed begins to drink like a fish. Then he strips down to his tighty whiteys and starts swimming like one. He can't even be reigned in to listen to Chris Harrison's explanation of the rules. Watching Ed dive into the hot tub brings a flurry of words to mind, including both "train wreck" and "awesome," which I now know are not mutually exclusive.
For those of you unfamiliar with how Bachelor Pad works, I pity you. But luckily, Chris Harrison is here to explain it. On Bachelor Pad, as in life, it is boys vs. girls. At the end of each week, the contestants will vote each other off Survivor style. The boys vote for the girl they want to see gone, and the girls vote for the boy they want to give the boot. Leading up to the big vote, everyone will pair off into boy/girl teams and each week they will all compete in the challenge. The winner of said challenge gets immunity and a fancypants date. Harrison then drops the bomb everyone's been waiting for: They have to pair off into their teams right. now. As in immediately. As in drunkenly. This is a brilliant bit of plotting by the powers that be at ABC, because who is going to be happy the next morning with a pairing they made drunkenly the night before? It's like how after staying out until last call on Halloween you wake up the next morning to find a Ninja Turtle in your bed.
The next morning, our beautiful bachelors and bachelorettes awaken fresh as daisies to the chirping of birds and the honking of angry drivers stuck in traffic on whichever Los Angeles freeway the Bachelor mansion borders (I'm from New York, I don't understand how traffic in L.A. works, but I hear it's pervasive). It's challenge day, so everyone dons their Spandex and bounds out to the yard.
Today's challenge is called "Falling for Love." It's full of cheesy puns ("You must find the strength in your heart") and is probably too complicated to explain without a visual aid of some sort, so you're just going to have to imagine it the very best that you can. The pairs sit inside giant heart-shaped cookie cutters and try to hold on while the hearts are lifted two feet off the ground and then tilted at increasingly steep angles. Contestants must try not to fall out of the heart while it is being tilted. The first team to do so gets one vote against them at the final rose ceremony. The winning team gets a date.
Erica Rose and Nick fall out first (which was totally Nick's fault, shut up Nick we don't even remember you anyway), while David, lover of orange women, and the twins win. I know, right? The twins? These two are the worst. Or, as Chris puts it, "immature and kind of ridiculous." Go home, twins!
But alas, the twins are safe for this week and they set off on a perfect date with David to the boardwalk. David drops a lot of names about the amazing dates he saw on past seasons (OMG! Emily rode a carousel!), the twins suggest everyone goes skinny dipping, and I start to yawn. Because, really, no one cares about you three. At all. We switch back to the action at the mansion in the nick of time.
Back at the mansion, what do we find but more hair-raisingly electric drama. Jamie pulls Chris aside for a little Seven Minutes in Heaven, and Blakely doesn't like that one bit. Oh no she doesn't not one enemy little bit. Blakely yells at Jamie for not being a nice girl and then cries to herself because she really thought that people would like her now that she waxes people for a living instead of serving them cocktails.
And all of a sudden, it's time for the deliberation. That's right, voting time, folks. Let the scheming begin!
Michael Stagliano, who won the game last season and is just all around everyone's favorite guy, is narrating every thought that goes through my head. "Oh my God, I love this game so much," he says. "This game is fascinating. I feel like some people aren't even playing it. They don't even know that they're on a game show." The clueless person he's talking to is super fan David. All the spinning from the rides at the boardwalk must've liquidated his brain, because he decides to spill his entire strategy to not just anyone, but everyone. Including Erica Rose, the very person he wants to vote off this week. Stupid, stupid, man. Michael, please explain what's happening here for me, you have such a way with words. "The game is lying! Avoid conversations, and if you do talk to them, you lie to them." Thanks, Stags.
After much planning and scooping and scoping and scapegoating, everyone makes their final vote. Due to an ill-advised Veterans Vs. Fans dichotomy that David Demi-Brain set up, it is just about 500% certain that SWAT *loser cough* Chris is going home. For the girls, it's going to be a toss-up between Erica Rose and sweet, pants-wetting Paige. The decision hinges on the decisions made by Kalon (who hates Erica) and SWAT (who hates Demi-Brain, who hates Erica).
One by one the names are called at the Elimination Rose Ceremony.
Which means SWAT and Paige (despite Reid's twelfth hour campaign) are dunzo. It's a shame, really; I thought Paige was cute. And lord knows my pun-obsessed self loved that Reid and Paige were teammates — get it, like, read a page? Reid himself pointed that one out, an act for which I will love him always.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]
More: 'Bachelor Pad': Are Lindzi and Kalon Partners in Crime and in Bed? Predicting The Next 'Bachelor': How ABC Makes Its Decision 'Bachelorette' Finale: Emily Maynard and Jef Holm Are Engaged
Get ready for another summer filled with inane drama! The new Season 3 cast of ABC's ultimate guilty pleasure Bachelor Pad was announced earlier this morning and there's a slew of familiar faces. (Though, sadly, Bentley Williams is not one of them.)
Last season's winner Michael Stagliano will return for another go at the title and will be competing against current Bachelorette villain Kalon McMahon, who Emily Maynard sent packing on Monday's show, after he referred to her 6-year-old daughter Ricki as "baggage." What a delightful housemate he'll be!
Other contestants for this new season also includes Lindzi Cox and Jamie Otis, who were both on Ben Flajnik's season of The Bachelor. Please, Jamie, no more awkward kissing lessons, we beg you.
If that wasn't enough incentive to watch, in a brand new twist, five "super fans" were also selected from an open casting call held earlier this year and will move into the mansion for a shot at the $250,000 grand prize. Oh yeah, and that whole finding your soul mate thing.
Check out the full cast list below: Kalon McMahon (Bachelorette, Season 8, Emily Maynard) Michael Stagliano (Bachelorette, Season 5, Jillian Harris) Ed Swiderski (Bachelorette, Season 5, Jillian Harris) Reid Rosenthal (Bachelorette, Season 5, Jillian Harris) Ryan Hoag (Bachelorette Season 4, DeAnna Pappas) Nick Peterson (Bachelorette Season 7, Ashley Hebert) Tony Pieper (Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard) Chris Bain (Super Fan) David Mallet (Super Fan) Lindzi Cox (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Blakely Jones (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Sarah Newlon (Bachelor, Season 11, Brad Womack) Jamie Otis (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Erica Rose (Bachelor, Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese) Jaclyn Swartz (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Rachel Trueheart (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Brittany and Erica Taltos (Twin Super Fans) Paige Vigil (Super Fan) Donna Zitelli (Super Fan) The final cast member will be announced at a later date as he is currently still a contestant on The Bachelorette. Who could it be? Bachelor Pad's two-hour Season 3 premiere will air Monday, July 23 on ABC at 8 PM ET. [Photo credit: ABC] Bachelor Pad Season 3 More: The Bachelorette Recap: Get The F**k Out! Meet The Bachelorette Suitors: Who's In It To Win It?
Widening the thematic scope without sacrificing too much of the claustrophobia that made the original 1979 Alien universally spooky Prometheus takes the trophy for this summer's most adult-oriented blockbuster entertainment. The movie will leave your mouth agape for its entire runtime first with its majestic exploration of an alien planet and conjectures on the origins of the human race second with its gross-out body horror that leaves no spilled gut to the imagination. Thin characters feel more like pawns in Scott's sci-fi prequel but stunning visuals shocking turns and grand questions more than make up for the shallow ensemble. "Epic" comes in many forms. Prometheus sports all of them.
Based on their discovery of a series of cave drawings all sharing a similar painted design Elizabeth (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie (Logan Marshall-Green) are recruited by Weyland to head a mission to another planet one they believe holds the answers to the creation of life on Earth. Along for the journey are Vickers (Charlize Theron) the ruthless Weyland proxy Janek (Idris Elba) a blue collar captain a slew of faceless scientists and David (Michael Fassbender) HAL 9000-esque resident android who awakens the crew of spaceship Prometheus when they arrive to their destination. Immediately upon descent there's a discovery: a giant mound that's anything but natural. The crew immediately prepares to scope out the scene zipping up high-tech spacesuits jumping in futuristic humvees and heading out to the site. What they discover are the awe-inspiring creations of another race. What they bring back to the ship is what they realize may kill their own.
The first half of Prometheus could be easily mistaken for Steven Spielberg's Alien a sense of wonder glowing from every frame not too unlike Close Encounters. Scott takes full advantage of his fictional settings and imbues them with a reality that makes them even more tantalizing. He shoots the vistas of space and the alien planet like National Geographic porn and savors the interior moments on board the Prometheus full of hologram maps sleeping pods and do-it-yourself surgery modules with the same attention. Prometheus is beautiful shot in immersive 3D that never dampers Dariusz Wolski's sharp photography. Scott's direction seems less interested in the run-or-die scenario set up in the latter half of the film but the film maintains tension and mood from beginning to end. It all just gets a bit…bloodier.
Jon Spaihts' and Damon Lindelof's script doesn't do the performers any favors shuffling them to and fro between the ship and the alien construction without much room for development. Reveals are shoehorned in without much setup (one involving Theron's Vickers that's shockingly mishandled) but for the most part the ensemble is ready to chomp into the script's bigger picture conceits. Rapace is a physical performer capable of pulling off a grisly scene involving an alien some sharp objects and a painful procedure (sure to be the scene of the blockbuster season. Among the rest of the crew Fassbender's David stands out as the film's revelatory performance delivering a digestible ambiguity to his mechanical man that playfully toys with expectations from his first entrance. The creature effects in Prometheus will wow you but even Fassbender's smallest gesture can send the mind spinning. The power of his smile packs more of a punch than any facehugger.
Much like Lindelof's Lost Prometheus aims to explore the idea of asking questions and seeking answers and on Scott's scale it's a tremendous unexpected ride. A few ideas introduced to spur action fall to the way side in the logic department but with a clear mission and end point Prometheus works as a sweeping sci-fi that doesn't require choppy editing or endless explosions to keep us on the edge of our seats. Prometheus isn't too far off from the Alien xenomorphs: born from existing DNA of another creature the movie breaks out as its own beast. And it's wilder than ever.