Can Somebody Make 98 Degrees Stop Embarrassing Themselves with New Music Already? — LISTEN

Credit: Peter Kramer/NBC

Secondhand embarrassment is a first-hand killer, so please proceed with caution before checking out the new 98 Degrees single, released today via the kind (?) folks at Billboard. The new tune, the oh-so cleverly titled “Girls Night Out,” chronicles the men’s libidinous love for all of the ladies in the world. It’s not even 1997 anymore — why are we still doing this to ourselves, America?

The nation’s sixteenth-favorite boy band from the ’90s has decided that if everyone else can cash in on that nostalgia cow, so can they. And they’ve got a new, tone-deaf (metaphorically speaking) tune to prove it. Only problem is: “Girls Night Out” is hardly an ode to partying and having fun, it’s a creepy, pick-up artist ditty and has ‘I’m a Dad Who ROCKS!’ written all over it. Please, 98 Degrees: think of the children. Namely your own (who are all too young to yell “Da-AAAAAD!” at you all exasperated).

Seriously, though: somebody in the world thought this song was both a good business AND creative decision. Somebody went into a recording studio and said to a bunch of guys pushing 40 (many of whom have children and wives), “Hey dudes, I think this is a totally hot track that will put you back in the forefront of music!” And somehow, these suburban soccer dads of pop listened in and said “Heck yes! This is so in-touch with the youths of America in 2013. Hot beatz and killer lyrics — this is destined to be a number one track on the Billboard charts! It is not at all weird that we are family men lusting after all da ladiez in da cluuuuuuuurb. Oh, and the kids say ‘cluuuuuurb’ instead of club, right?”

Just check out some of these really choice, relevant, hip, trendy lyrics: “Look how she do that sexy dance / She got every single man up in here want to lose his mind / She got her girlfriends all around / Lookin’ good and gettin’ down, tonight.” And that’s before we even get to the chorus, which is a real lyrical walloper with prolific lines such as: “Girls night out / So many women / Lookin’ good in the place right now / Makes my head spin round / ‘Cuz each one is sexy / Help me, I want to love them all down tonight.” Overt sexual objectification of ladies for financial gain past the age of 28 is really not a good life decision/career move, but it IS a surefire way to push your way out of that pesky “sex symbol” status to “creepy uncle” in mere nanoseconds.

I mean, anyone who starts their comeback tour in a place called Uncasville (I’m from Connecticut so I’m allowed to make fun of it) is clearly in touch with what the kidz like. Lord, this is just the worst.

What do you think of the new 98 Degrees tune? Are you embarrassed as we are? Do you know what it means to “love ’em all down” and if so, can you explain it to us? Let us know in the comments.

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