Adele may love being a mother, but that wasn’t always the case. The 28-year-old singer recently opened up about her difficult battle with postpartum depression.
In her Vanity Fair cover issue, Adele admitted that while she was “obsessed” with her child, she suffered from terrible postpartum depression.
“I had really bad postpartum depression after I had my son, and it frightened me,” she said. “My friends who didn’t have kids would get annoyed with me…whereas I knew I could just sit there and chat absolute mush with my friends who had children, and we wouldn’t judge each other.”
“One day I said to a friend, ‘I f—n’ hate this,’ and she just burst into tears and said, ‘I f—-n’ hate this, too,’” she continued. “And it was done. It lifted. My knowledge of postpartum—or post-natal, as we call it in England—is that you don’t want to be with your child; you’re worried you might hurt your child; you’re worried you weren’t doing a good job. But I was obsessed with my child. I felt very inadequate; I felt like I’d made the worst decision of my life. It can come in many different forms. Eventually I just said, I’m going to give myself an afternoon a week, just to do whatever the fuck I want without my baby. A friend of mine said, ‘Really? Don’t you feel bad?’ I said, I do, but not as bad as I’d feel if I didn’t do it.”
Adele still struggles from time-to-time.
“I love my son more than anything,” she said. “But on a daily basis, if I have a minute or two, I wish I could do whatever the f–k I wanted, whenever I want. Every single day I feel like that.”
Adele admits that despite the postpartum depression, having a baby has lead her to adopt healthier habits. She drinks a lot less than she used to because the hangover is no longer worth it.
“Having a hangover with a child is torture,” she said. “Just imagine an annoying three-year-old who knows something’s wrong; it’s hell.” She also added, “I used to love to be drunk, but as I got more famous I would wake up the next morning and think, What the f–k did I say and who the f–k did I say it to?”
She also believes that her songs might suffer because she can’t let herself fall apart the way she did when she wrote 21 (after all, everyone has to grow up sometime).
“I can see from an outsider’s perspective that I will never write songs as good as the ones that are on 21, but I’m not as indulgent as I was then, and I don’t have time to fall apart like I did then,” she said. “I was completely off my face writing that album, and a drunk tongue is an honest one. I would drink two bottles of wine, and I would chain-smoke. Then I’d write the lyrics down and the next morning think, F–k, that’s quite good. Then I’d find the melody. But since I’ve had my baby, I’m not as carefree as I used to be.”
She doesn’t seem to mind. She loves making music, but if she falls out of fame, she’s totally okay with it.
“I’d still like to make records,” she said. “But I’d be fine if I never heard [the applause] again.”
Adele’s Vanity Fair issue hits newsstands on November 8th.