RIGHT?!
Jake Johnson kept it pretty under-the-rug before his New Girl days, never earning much attention for his bit parts scattered throughout the film and television world. That’s because he wasn’t acting at all (don’t let that dastardly IMDb fool you). No, in fact, he was in truth spending most of his time over in Belarus, building churches and mansions under the pseudonym “Antoni Gaudi.” Or perhaps it is “Jake Johnson” that is the pseudonym? We’re not sure which, but at least one of these nyms is pseudo!
And look at him now, prancing around on Fox’s beloved sitcom, thinking that just because he’s beard-free, nobody can recognize him as the renowned architect and creative pioneer. We know that everyone in showbiz lies about their age, Johnson, but passing for 30 when you’re pushing 161 is a bit excessive. We’re onto you, Nick Miller.
The Internet has experience in outing the immortal:
“Money, cash, hoes, money, cash, chicks”? Clearly an ironic reappropriation of the Roaring ’20s overindulgence, meant to take a few stabs at the decade for resulting in the financial struggles of the Great Depression… an era through which Jay-Z clearly lived as evidenced by this 1933 photograph of him in Harlem.
And, of course, the timeless entry of Nicolas Cage, immortal vampire, world traveler, and The Croods voiceover artist. Tried to hide in plain sight all these years, but forgot to learn the simple trick of adapting to normal human behavior to make his cover all the more convincing.
Let this be a lesson to you, ageless figures are living among us. It doesn’t matter how well you immerse yourself in a Zooey Deschanel comedy or a movie about stealing the Declaration of Independence. We will find you. And we will write about you. And then we’ll probably go play Snood.
Follow Michael Arbeiter on Twitter @MichaelArbeiter | Follow hollywood.com on Twitter @hollywood_com
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