I used to have three reasons why ABC’s new show, Skating with the Stars, would be awesome. The first was the ice-skating element, because even after attending 12 parties at Wollman Rink over the course of my childhood, ice-skating is still majorly difficult…which means watching celebrities who live in L.A. try to balance themselves on frozen water would be fantastic. The second thing I was looking forward to was watching how hard the real skaters would work to try and teach these “Vitamin Water is my fitness regime” celebrities a routine that would impress Americans (who, we all know, only acknowledge talent when we’re stoned at the circus). The third element I was stoked for was the celebrities.
So when I found out today that no real celebrities are participating, it was crushing. I was expecting big names, like Jim Carrey! And Gene Simmons! And maybe even Monica Lewinsky! I’d even pictured Christie Brinkley, Diana Ross and maybe even Katie Couric skating around. I was expecting STARS, not the sparks that come from a fourth grade class in Pittsburg’s rocketship launch! The only big names in the group are Vince Neil, Bethenny Frankel from The Real Housewives of New York City, and Sean Young from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Also participating is Jonny Moseley, the Olympic skiier, soap opera star Rebecca Budig, and Brandon Michael Smith from the Disney Channel. To recap: WHERE IS CESAR MILAN?!
Even Dancing with the Stars manages to get people with enough distinction they get into museums for free, so why is the turnout for Skating so awful? Obviously the extreme risk of bodily harm must have been a factor that made most people decline the offer to participate, but these kind of shows are watched religiously, and I can’t imagine anyone who lives on either coast would turn down the opportunity for glory, simply because it was dangerous. If that was true, there would be no Celebrity Apprentice.