Joining the illustrious ranks of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon (and the curious collection of Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte and Sean Connery) this morning is Bradley Cooper, who has just been named 2011’s Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Somewhat surprisingly, Cooper beat out who some believe to be the more respectable choice of Ryan Gosling, but People went out of its way to explain why Cooper is the recipient of the extraordinary honor this year and not anyone else. The publication lists that Cooper’s win was decided based on fluency in French, the diploma he received when he graduated from Georgetown, the motorcycle he owns, and the way the symmetry of his face means he doesn’t look like a model. Additionally, the mag credits him with being close to his mother, for managing to date Renée Zellweger for two years, and for having numerous trysts with Jennifer Lopez.
So yes, to sum up, People got it wrong this year. Gosling has a dog with a mohawk who sometimes wears a sock on one of his paws. Gosling also enjoys Disneyland, was in the Mickey Mouse Club, frequently acts alongside child actors in movies, calls the place where he works out the “gymnasium,” and takes it upon himself to stop fights that erupt in the street. Based on these facts, People should stop the presses and go find Gosling to alert him of the change. And I’ll make it really easy for them to find him: he’s over at one of the many construction sites in Los Angeles talking to the crew about making stairs that are safe for baby ducks to climb.