I’m sure Justin Bieber prides himself on a few things. Like his hair! Great hair is a nice quality to have. It keeps the Pepto-Bismol easy to find in the medicine cabinet. He also probably prides himself on sticking with his childhood diet of plump chickens because they’re what has kept his voice so youthful for so long, even though the breasts and thighs he enjoyed so mcuh were injected with pesticides or hormones or mojo! You don’t believe me? Well have you seen him in any commercials that campaign against the practice of injecting chickens with whatever to make them bigger and juicier and decidedly unnatural? No, you do not. So it’s safe to say he thanks the cruel factory farmers for his voice and sees no reason why they shouldn’t be able to practice their anti Jonathan Safran Foer/human centipede processes in peace.
Do you know what else Justin Bieber prides himself on? ON HAVING MORALS THAT ARE AS STRONG AS HIS CEASELESSLY PROTRUDING CLAVICLES. In the new issue of Rolling Stone, Bieber thankfully took some time to inform us on his personal thoughts about abortion, America, and sex. BECAUSE WHAT ARE WE TO THINK ABOUT THESE TOPICS IF WE DON’T KNOW WHAT JUSTIN BIEBER THINKS? OOF I’M SO EXCITED TO REVEAL HIS THOUGHTS TO YOU! Let’s begin:
Bieber: “I really don’t believe in abortion. It’s, like, killing a baby?”
Reporter: “How about in causes of rape?”
Bieber: “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”
“You guys are evil. Canada’s the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if you’re baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.”
“I don’t think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them. I think you should just wait for the person you’re…in love with.”
Don’t you just feel like flying a kite!? Today has turned out to be a great day! Not only did we learn that Justin Bieber is unsure of what an abortion is, WE ALSO LEARNED THAT HE THINKS WOMEN GET RAPED FOR A REASON, or that GUYS WHO RAPE WOMEN HAVE THEIR REASONS. I’ll sidestep the “Canada’s great” thing because one of us is obviously going to have to pay for his bodyguard’s premature baby’s hospital bills because IT WAS TOTALLY THE AMERICAN FLAG that suddenly made the baby realize the confines of the womb he was in…and I guess I’ll sidestep the “only having sex when you’re in love” thing too because this guy also has a tattoo of a bird in flight on his hip, so it makes sense that he would only want a select few to see him in the buff.