Five Things That Are Less Threatening Than Charlie Sheen Mentoring Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Mentor Charlie Sheen

This is how the world will end. Charlie Sheen told TMZ on Saturday that he thinks he can steer Lindsay Lohan in the right direction. This, my friends, is what we call a red alert. 

“She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey,” Sheen tells the gossip site. Well, he’s got a point, but that doesn’t make us feel any safer.

RELATED: Lindsay, You Can’t Mentor Young Girls

The duo became friends after working on Scary Movie 5 together, and as was reported earlier this month, they’ll strike up their onscreen partnership once more with a storyline on Sheen’s FX comedy Anger Management. And while Sheen is technically “reformed” we were burned just a little too much last time he claimed to have gotten it together. Add to that Lohan’s numerous cries of her latest personal renaissance, and you’ve got a recipe for disappointment. 

In fact, there are troublesome happenings that are less worrisome than these two knuckleheads working together to get it right. 

1. Dennis Rodman palling around with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un: Look, it’s not great. But really, Rodman’s whereabouts are about as relevant to the U.S. as the mission to teach our kids that pizza is not a vegetable.

2. The multiplying discoveries of horse meat in fast food: Hey, at least the U.S. supply of McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets is okay… for now.

RELATED: Sheen Thinks He Could Guide ‘Idol’ Contestants

3. Presidents Obama’s biggest impact recently is angering various nerd factions over a misguided Sci-Fi reference: You guys know he was trying to tell us about the fate of our nation, right?

4. Ben Affleck shaved off his glorious beard: Why, Ben? WHY?

5.  The fact that no one, including congress, seems to understand the sequester: So basically, we’re f**ked. 

Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler

[Photo Credit: Aaron Vincent Elkaim/AP Photo]

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Celebrity Editor Kelsea Stahler was born in a pile of dirt. Okay, she was actually born in an old Naval hospital in San Diego, which then became a pile of dirt and remained as such for a number of years before becoming a parking lot perfectly sized for circus tents, and finally a museum. She eventually left San Diego to attend New York University, where she studied Journalism and English literature — two less-than profitable liberal arts degrees about which guidance counselors warned her. Against all odds, she now resides in Brooklyn, where she fights the constant fear that the locals will soon discover she isn’t quite cool enough to live there, and makes a living writing absurd, pop culture features about Batman, zombies, vampires, funny people, and Ron Swanson.