Five Ways to Get Rid of Chris Brown Forever

chris brown is terrible

Universal scourge Chris Brown is going to court today. No, it’s not for punching Frank Ocean, throwing a bottle at Drake, beating up Rihanna, or even acting like a total jerk to national treasure (and cancer survivor!) Robin Roberts. It’s because he didn’t complete his community service for a 2009 assault conviction. In fact, Brown lied and told the court he was picking up trash on the highway when he was really on board a private jet to Cancun. Class act, this one.

Chris Brown Allegedly Punches Frank Ocean in a Parking Lot

God, I just wish that Easy Breezy Beautiful Cover Girl would go away forever, don’t you? But how can we do it? How can we get rid of this homophobic, misogynistic jerkface once and for all? Here are a couple of ideas.

Ignore Him: I know this seems stupid to say in an article all about him, but maybe we should just listen to our mother’s advice and ignore the thing that makes us crazy. Maybe then it will go away! But not only does the media have to cooperate but so do you. If we stop buying his songs, going to his concerts, watching his YouTube videos, and following his every last felonious movie, he will disappear like the fog when the sun comes out. After all, if he stops making money no one will deal with all the crap that goes along with hiring him.

Call Him Out: Sure, telling Chris Brown he is a jerk to his face might not be such a great idea (unless you like going to the emergency room for being punched in the head), but we should let everyone who associates with him know that, because he’s there, we won’t be tuning in. When he performs at the VMAs, tell MTV you’ll be watching cat GIFs on the Internet instead. When he comes to your local concert venue, show up and protest. Maybe if enough of us make life a living hell for everyone in the Brown-isphere, then they’ll stop giving him jobs.

RELATED: Frank Ocean Not Pressing Charges Against Chris Brown Over Brawl

Send Him to Jail: This goes out to you, Frank Ocean. You should have pressed charges. You should have sent him to jail or back on probation or something. The problem with Chris Brown is that no one will teach him a lesson so he never learns. Ocean really missed his chance. Maybe this community service thing will be enough to get Brown in the clink. I sure hope so. Look at how well going to jail rehabilitated Lindsay Lohan. Oh wait…

RELATED: Chris Brown Avoids Jail After Drake Bar Fight: Winning Again?

Alien Abduction: Someone get Mulder on the phone and see if he can call up one of those little green men that he’s so fond of to swoop down in their flying saucer and take this clown to outer space, or maybe to meet the Killer Klowns from Outer Space. If he stays on this planet there is always the sad likelihood that he’ll eventually have a comeback and then we’ll have to deal with all of this nonsense all over again. And from space he wouldn’t even be able to hear us scream… with delight that he is gone.

Get Him to Change: Haha. Yeah. That seems likely.

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]


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After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).

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