Happy Birthday, Harrison Ford, But I Reject The Fact That You’re 70

Harrison Ford isn't 70 Years Old

As Indiana Jones would say, “It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.” Well, that’s true and all, but today it’s not the mileage that’s got me grabbing my own face like an Edward Munch painting.

Harrison Ford is one of those older, distinguished actors who’s accomplished so much badassery in his career that he can be a pot-smoking guy who films jaunty romantic comedies, sports a silver hoop earring, and put a ring on Calista Flockhart and yet still retains the monikers of his greatest characters instead of becoming just some weird old actor. So imagine my surprise — nay irrational shock — when the irrefutable science that is mathematics revealed that because Harrison Ford was born July 13, 1942, he is in fact 70 entire years old. (It looked something like that time parents told me we weren’t getting a puppy mixed with the realization that my entire reality has just been shattered.) But as a devoted fan of Jack Ryan (Ford edition), Han Solo, and of course Indiana Jones, I’m putting my foot down. Harrison Ford is not 70. He’s just not. Math be damned. I simply reject the notion that one of my favorite actors/heartthrobs (my girl, Liz Lemon, knows what I’m talking about) is 2.8 times my age. It’s not real and it doesn’t exist.

Nope. Ford ceased to age the day he finished filming Air Force One in 1997. He was 55 and he was still aggressively grumbly enough to tell Gary Oldman “Get off my plane” and shove him out of a 747. He was still alluring in a distinguished veteran of war, presidential sort of way. Just a few years before that, he played the bespectacled Linus Larrabee to Julia Ormond’s beguiling Sabrina, and though it didn’t match the pitch-perfect level of the original Audrey Hepburn film, Ford was still worth swooning over.

But even with the gentlemanly roles of his 50s, Ford will never, ever, ever not be known as his two greatest characters of all time: Han Solo and Indiana Jones. His two scrappy, daring rogues are the epitome of manliness. Han and Indiana were brave, but not too brave. (I hate snakes too, Indy.) They were romantic, but not mushy. (The Leia and Han “I love you”/ “I know” dynamic is still on my wish list, even if Liz Lemon stole it with her Hulk hands.) They were stupidly, bravely reckless, and obnoxiously, charmingly lucky. (If you need examples, you’ve clearly never seen a Star Wars movie or a single minute of an Indiana Jones film and if that’s the case, you’ve got bigger problems, my friend.) And then there’s the way in which both characters wear (yes, wear – I’m happily living the past) scars, scuffs, and a little 5 o’clock shadow in such a disarming, nonchalant manner. (Swoon.)

No matter who he grows into as his (nonexistent) age continues to rise, Ford will forever be a hybrid of Indy and Han in my mind, and I’m assuming most of his fanbase’s minds as well. There was no fourth Indiana Jones movie. Shia LaBeouf does not get to refer to our hero affectionately as “Harrison.” That hoop earring is just a bit of glare (in every photo of him for the past seven years).

And he is definitely not 70 years old.


Happily, Indefinitely in Denial

Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler.

[Image: StarWars.com]


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