If you are a human between the ages of sixteen and dead, you probably heard the news today: Johnny Depp is now single. Listen, sit back down. I know. Here’s a tissue, have a seat. Just calm down. Keep reading, it’s going to be OK, I promise. As we reported on earlier, the movie star and his longtime partner Vanessa Paradis have split up after fourteen years together. They were, to many, a couple in it for the long haul and seemingly built to last.
As a culture largely built on observing the lives of other people, there are certain couples that seem unshakeable. When they fall, we fall (to pieces). The Depp/Paradis split is just one in a long line of celebrity breakups that has induced stress, anger, confusion, and even depression in the lives of many. As an American who loves my country and the people that inhabit it, I only want to see what’s best for you. These breakups can be difficult for everyone, and therapy is very expensive. So I’m here today with my very scientific and factual Celebrity Breakup Acceptance Kit. I talked to real scientists and a guy named Doc who lives on the corner of Hollywood and Highland today and formulated a fool-proof plan for your celebrity breakup needs.
We’ll get through this: together.
After having gone through the breakups of Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (1986 – 2009), Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe (1997 – 2007), and of course Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (1998 – 2005), it may feel like love doesn’t live here anymore. I promise that it does (Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, if you ever break up, though, my world is going to collapse)! If you follow my fool-proof eight-step-program below, you will be able to easily and effectively get over the breakup of your favorite celebrity couple.
A six-pack of tissues
A Sleepless in Seattle DVD
A Kill Bill DVD
The blanket-cape of your choice
3 pints of ice cream (Go ahead and get the full-fat. This isn’t the time to worry about calories)
4 bottles of your booze of choice (If you are of age only, obviously! Otherwise replace with shirley temples. Tell them to go heavy on the maraschinos.)
Nutella and pretzel rods
A small dog (or cat if dog is unavailable) to talk to and hold
It’s better to feel these feelings alone, in the dark.
Assemble Snacking Station
Get it all out there: the Nutella, the ice cream, the pretzel rods. Put it in a place that is easily accessible from your favorite couch nook.
Apply blanket/Slanket/Snuggie Item
Don’t be afraid to wear it backwards, either. Just do what feels right.
Sleepless in Seattle
This needs no explanation.
Booze for you olds, shirley temples for the youths. Drown the sorrows. Don’t forget to top yourself off!
It’s OK, just let it out. Breathe in and out and just remember that everything in life happens for a reason.
Get the F**k Over It
This was fun and all, but like, it’s not really you life, right? Why are you all upset about people you don’t actually know in real life?
Realize this sweet little set-up we just got you into is actually exactly what you’d like to be doing right now anyway, change the movie over to Kill Bill, and have a real great time eating, imbibing, and watching a good movie!
But seriously: don’t EVER think about breaking up, Tom & Rita, or the meaning of love will cease to exist.
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes