Justin Bieber Visits a Whorehouse, Completes Transformation Into King Joffrey

Justin BieberSplash News

If you’re a die hard Game of Thrones fan, fear not those mid-hiatus blues. There’s a bright spot… sort of. You got a little extra shot of HBO-produced fantasy because widely-hated-snot-nosed-little-punk King Joffrey has somehow managed to cross-dimensionally manifest himself into teen pop sensation Justin Bieber. It sounds like a stretch, but the two are more alike than you may have realized. What really cinched it was this past weekend’s Biebz scandal: young Justin was caught exiting a technically illegal (but mostly just gross) brothel in Brazil while in the South American wing of his current tour. And even though Bieber claimed that everything was a lie cooked up by the paparazzi, there are some incriminating photos making the rounds at Page Six this morning, inspiring plenty of laughs, shock, and SMing of Hs. What other baby-faced entitled brat does this remind you of?

Only one name came to your mind, didn’t it? King. Joffrey. Barathean. (Lannister.) 

Both started out cute, adorable even. Non-threatening. Close to their respective mothers, who were pretty, young, and cool themselves. Both just wanted the best for their sons, pushing them towards careers at a young age. In Bieber’s case, putting his songs on YouTube, for an enterprising Usher to discover. And, in Joffrey’s case, grooming him to take the throne of the Seven Kingdoms (though most of that can be chalked up to good breeding). Both kids do pretty well with the stress of supporting their families on their tiny shoulders, at least at first. They even start to rise to the challenge, getting satisfaction from how much power they have in the music industry/government. 

But then, their first brush with entitlement strikes, and either the purchase of an ostentatious RV or a fight with the local butcher’s son eliminates some of that cuteness. So does adolescence, adding weak protestations of “I’m a man!” to both boys’ vocabularies. But soothsayers/PR reps intervene. Foolish teenage Sansas, who should know better, begin to develop crushes on him, though those wise Aryas among them, not clouded by puberty’s temporary insanity, can see right through his facade. But the Sansas of the world prevail, heading to his concerts and obsessively cataloging his every movement on Tumblr accounts. 

He has some political beliefs that seem a little judgmental. After all, he is just a kid — why should he determine what’s moral and what’s not? The North shouldn’t be burned to the ground! But now, he’s not just a kid anymore. Through some insane contrivances, he becomes King… of the charts. And with more power, comes more obnoxiousness. Things take a darker turn as he begins mistreating pets. Leaving them at airports, making them follow him around and beat up anyone who disagrees with him. As time passes, he flirts with many, but ultimately has his first real relationship with an older woman, who seems much savvier than he is, but might be hiding a dark side. She did, after all, star in Spring Breakers. Eventually, they split due to height/sexual incompatibility. (Needless to say, the Sansas are heartbroken and forced into a marriage with the much cooler but less swoonworthy Ed Sheeran.)

Now, it seems like every other week his uncle smacks him in the face or he’s grabbing for a stipper’s boob. Everything culminates with him visiting a whorehouse. Can’t tell why, since, despite his recent rash of bad behavior, there’s surely plenty of girls in the Seven Kingdoms — err, on his tour route — who’d willingly spend a few nights with the reigning Prince (of Pop). Yet both indulge, entering the establishment with intentions that cannot possibly be good. Joffrey’s literal sadism doesn’t seem Justin’s speed, but perhaps there was something a little more Bieb-esque going on in there, be it corny dancing, low-crotch pants wearing, or irresponsibly fast driving.

That catches us up with present day Bieber, and is as much Joffrey we’ve seen so far in the TV show, but it isn’t that bold to assume that things will continue to decline for both. Next season, don’t be surprised when you hear King Joffrey shout “I’m a swaggy adult!”