The latest stop on Lindsay Lohan’s infamy tour is a clearly fabricated fued between her, Paris Hilton, and Paris’ younger brother Barron, who claims Lohan’s friends beat him up while she watched and laughed. Ugh. Another day, another allegation, but what really rankles here is that Lohan is allegedly resorting to fighting with Paris Hilton. There’s nothing more pathetic than that.
Lindsay has a long history of fueds, from her catfight with Hilary Duff over the affections of Aaron Carter, to the brief brawl with Amanda Bynes earlier this year, to her previous argument (then at her previous nadir) with Paris and her friend Brandon Davis, who coined the infamous “Fire Crotch” comment.
The key to a good celebrity fued is the matchup. You want someone who’s in your weight class, or you’ll end up with nothing more than a one-sided fight. While Lohan has burned up a lot of good will, she’s at least contributed more to the cultural canon than Hilton. No one can get excited about picking sides when those are the choices.
Here’s a series of opponents who would have been less embarrassing than a Paris rematch:
Featherweight Nicole Richie: Of the Simple Life pair, Richie has actually managed to turn her life into a regular one, and her problems with abuse seem to be far behind her. Maybe she could knock Lindsay into realizing something has to change, but her low key life might be too lightweight for an attention addict like Lohan.
Minimum Weight January Jones: Maybe simply being near Jones would suck all of Lohan’s problems into the black hole of her personality void. It’s a gamble, but might work.
Super Middleweight Bret Easton Ellis: The author stuck up for Lohan when she was starring in his screenplay for The Canyons, but has said his share of offensive things.
Former Heavyweight Vanity Fair: It’s making Gwyneth Paltrow stronger than ever!
Super Heavyweight Tina Fey: If Lohan could get herself under control enough to mount a genuine comeback, a mock “fued” with Fey could be a hilarious way to prove she’s moved on. But, Fey’s starpower could lead to people misinterpreting the joke and destroying Lohan.
Welterweight Shia LaBeouf: Every person wishes they could punch Shia LaBeouf in the face — why not use your celebrity to do a good deed? He has no problem fighting women. Looks like we found the perfect match!