Michael Shannon Reading That Insane Sorority Letter Is More Menacing Than His ‘Man of Steel’ Villain

 Credit: Funny or Die

The “dramatic reading” of letters is a little played out on the Internet. Blah, blah, it’s funnier when you read an emphatic letter more emphatically. We get it. But, when you combine the vitrolic force of that University of Maryland sorority email dug up by Gawker with the terrifying force (and a bit of froth in and around the mouth region) of Man of Steel villain-portrayer Michael Shannon, you get a (pardon my language here) f**king c**t-punt of a video. The result is so terrifying that I may or may not have just taken refuge under my desk for a few minutes. Shannon would be one intimidating mob boss/sorority girl. 

In case you weren’t anywhere near a computer or smart phone or some variation of device with even a dial-up Internet connection, “The Most Deranged Sorority Email Ever” from the leader of the University of Maryland Delta Gamma chapeter circulated around the Internet like wildfire last week. Apparently, this young “lady” was upset with some of her sorority sisters for their behavior — which included such offensive acts as exhibiting sportsmanship and not shamelessly flirting with the fraternity they were fated to mix with until the ends of time. The post quickly went viral and then, of course, was put into the hands of one Mr. Shannon, thanks to such sadistic highlights as:

Are you people f**king retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events.


I’ve not only gotten texts about people being f**king WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid s**ts and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not f**king funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F**king. Team. ARE YOU F**KING STUPID?!! I don’t give a S**T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR G**DAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU F**KING BLIND?

This sorority girl was basically asking for one of the scariest men in Hollywood to do a dramatic reading of her letter, right? 

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Celebrity Editor Kelsea Stahler was born in a pile of dirt. Okay, she was actually born in an old Naval hospital in San Diego, which then became a pile of dirt and remained as such for a number of years before becoming a parking lot perfectly sized for circus tents, and finally a museum. She eventually left San Diego to attend New York University, where she studied Journalism and English literature — two less-than profitable liberal arts degrees about which guidance counselors warned her. Against all odds, she now resides in Brooklyn, where she fights the constant fear that the locals will soon discover she isn’t quite cool enough to live there, and makes a living writing absurd, pop culture features about Batman, zombies, vampires, funny people, and Ron Swanson.