Each week, Hollywood gives us something to whine about, and the week of March 18 was no different. We could make a drinking game out of this week, but that would be too dangerous. Instead, we’ll stick to the usual formula: varying levels of alcoholic respite depending on how bothersome the week’s issues are. Is your biggest complaint this week a flimsy one? How about a light cocktail to take the edge off? Got a real bone to pick with a celeb or entertainment entity this week? Go ahead, grab a drink that’ll put hair on your chest. Here are the week’s entertainment stories that are forcing us to seek a bubbly or boozy refuge. And maybe an idea or two about how you should wash them down.
Take it Easy With a Mimosa
Dear God, Amanda Bynes Is Losing It: Look, as a woman it’s not hard to see why another lady might feel a certain tingly sensation when it comes to Drake, but no one wants him to “murder [their] vagina.”
Speaking of Train Wrecks, Lindsay Lohan Has Another Mug Shot For Her Collection: She’s got so many, you could make a Brady Bunch title card with them.
This Miley Magic Only Happened Once: Bring back the twerking unicorn, girl.
We’re Supposed to Be Surprised That Rihanna’s Bus Had Weed on It: Right, because the woman who Instagrammed a bouquet of marijuana definitely didn’t take any of it on tour with her. Trapped on a bus for hours at a time? That’s no place for recreational drugs.
Let Your Hair Down: Grab a Midday Fruity Cocktail
We Really Need to Get Over Jon Hamm’s Penis: We’re not going to stop admiring it, just maybe the chatter part could go away?
Late Night Wars Are Back: And once again, everyone is obsessing about it like someone forced to choose between a Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch flavored Doritos Locos taco.
Nicki Minaj’s Nipples Never Seem to Fit In Her Clothes: Sounds like our girl could use a tailor.
Natalie Portman’s Movie Is Haunted: Or something. Jude Law and another big player dropped out days into production of Jane’s Got a Gun.
Kim and Kanye are Either Dumber Than We Thought, Or They’re Evil Geniuses: They’re naming their baby North West. As in the direction.
Shut It Down: This Calls for a Martini, Straight Up
Ryan Gosling Isn’t Going to Act For a While: NOOOOOOO.
In Related News, Ryan Gosling Says He’s a Nightmare: What ogre stepped in a made this perfect human man believe for even a second that he was not a lovely slice of man-shaped heaven?
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[Photo Credit: Twitter]