Lt. Commander Data’s Tricorder Analysis of the Vatican’s White Smoke

Mr. Data Analyzes the White Smoke in the Enterprise Bridge to Determine the Identity of the New Pope

“Curious. Captain, these tricorder readings of the white smoke are displaying in an archaic Earth language: Latin. It says, ‘Habemus Papam.’ I believe that translates to ‘We have a pope.’ However, I am unable to determine the identity of the new pope at this time, nor why the Vatican conclave’s white smoke has filled the Enterprise bridge.”

UPDATE: “Captain, I have just executed a new decryption algorithm, and I believe I do have the name of the Pope in question. It is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the 76-year-old Archbishop of Buenos Aires. He is the first Jesuit to hold the office, and his Papal designation will be Francis, after St. Francis of Assisi. On the one hand, his Latin American roots make him a logical choice. The Spanish-speaking world consists of humanity’s most ardent Catholics. His selection will energize the Church and inspire even greater fervor from its most devoted followers. However, the fact that they have selected a Pontiff of advanced age, one who will likely be the face of the Church for only a decade, is surprising. Apparently, the Papacy is not a young man’s game…that was a joke, captain.” —Lt. Commander Data, U.S.S. Enterprise, Stardate 47488.2.

Follow Christian Blauvelt on Twitter @Ctblauvelt

[Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures/Hollywood.com Illustration] 


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Editor/Interactive Content Director Christian Blauvelt is Hollywood.com’s expert for all things geek. Can’t tell the difference between a Kowakian monkey lizard and a Krayt dragon? Don’t know whether to order a raktajino or a Romulan Ale from your Ferengi barman? He’s your geek! This knowledge was acquired over many years of rigorous training during his youth on the swamp planet St. Petersburg, FL. Think of him like Channing Tatum in Magic Mike but with entertainment journalism in place of the custom furniture ambitions and minus the washboard abs. A stint on the ice planet Hoth (Northwestern University) finally led to him coming to Coruscant (New York City), where he helps share his knowledge with you all. He will desperately try to avoid puns like, "Set phasers for phun!"

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