Reese Witherspoon Is a Pregnant Lawyer, Or So Alcohol Makes Her Think

Credit: Ida Mae Astute/ABC

Unless you’re a devout Mormon or a teenager with a cop for a dad, you’ve probably flirted with the perils of alcohol consumption at one point or another. Although masquerading as an innocuous compliment to your steak dinner, the various ales and hard liquors of our fair world work some devilish magic on the minds of those who dare to imbibe. One too many sips, and you’ll be spouting embellishments about your monetary intake, exaggerations of your athletic prowess, or sometimes — like in the case of one Reese Witherspoon — flat out lies about the occupancy of your uterus.

You’ll recall the Legally Blonde actress’ recent kerfuffle with an Atlanta police officer, who arrested her husband Jim Toth for driving under the influence on Apr. 19. While a sober Witherspoon might have handled the ordeal with grace and maturity, she allowed the spirits of the vineyard to play Cyrano during this tumultuous episode, spouting completely false stories to get her and Toth off the hook. “I have no idea what I was saying that night. I saw him arresting my husband and I literally panicked,” the actress told Good Morning America on Thursday. “I said all kinds of crazy things. I told him I was pregnant. I’m not pregnant! I said crazy things.”

And while the officer in question might not have fallen victim to the ruse, Witherspoon managed to trick herself into believing the tall tales of the sauce. “I’ve played a lawyer so many times in movies, I think I am a lawyer. And clearly, I’m not a lawyer. So, I learned a lot.” I hear it was a drunken escapade through Georgia that got Johnny Depp to snap out of thinking he was Jack Sparrow, too.

Moreover, Witherspoon used her GMA appearance to express her apologies for and remorse over the ordeal, remarking that “the hardest part about it [is] having to tell our kids.” And that’s just the real kids she’s talking about — what about all the imaginary unborn ones she’s going to have to explain this to?

Follow Michael Arbeiter on Twitter @MichaelArbeiter

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