Yesterday, Life and Style reported that the newly divorced and very curiously tattooed Scarlett Johansson was spotted in an upscale Santa Monica club on a double date with Jason Sudeikis on January 22nd. Sources said they were comfy, fucking, counting senate seats…everything people do when the club is called “Father’s Office” and when one person on the date is particularly feisty because s/he just got divorced. Johansson and Sudeikis were joined by SNL alum, Will Forte and his lady friend, and everyone consumed burgers, fries, and beer.
But today, Johansson’s rep spoke out and said Scarlett is not, in fact, dating Sudeikis, and that the encounter they shared was platonic and nothing more than an opportunity to discuss the legitimacy of the government creating bomb shelters so people could, at least, feel like they were protected from an atomic bomb. The representative continued with, “The part they chose not to run was this: ‘Scarlett is not dating Jason nor is she dating anyone for that matter. It was just a friendly outing amongst friends.'”
Well well, isn’t Johansson’s rep quite the sparkplug? “The part they chose not to run was THIS!” HA! Like he’s Zelda and armed with his sword and shield, he looks for dishonesty during the day and spends his nights cutting fruits out of shrubbery or whatever. How triumphant he is! “The part they chose not to run was THIS!” My gosh, what a triumphant phrase! He’s like fucking e.e. cummings with all this “HERE IS THE SECRET NOBODY KNOWS” and “HERE IS THE ROOT OF THE ROOT AND THE BUD OF THE BUD!” Good for him then. Good for him! Bless him and his power of clarification.