As a fellow K-named person, I feel like I have a sort of Psykik Konnection with the newly engaged Kardashian-Wests. So as their nuptials loom, I’m kurious to see what happens. One thing we all know is that there is no way in hell any of it will be “simple, private, and tasteful.” Give us ornate, tacky, and aggressive any day (when it comes to pop culture weddings that we neither have to nor ever could dream of attending). Here are some of my guesses as to what to expect:
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, But Nothing Blue
Jay and Bey don’t really play in the bush leagues. Although we’re told the couples are close friends and we expect a presence at the ceremony, there’s no chance in hell that their baby will play second fiddle to North for even a day. Blue Ivy is beneath such things.
Monogrammed leather sweatpants will be found in each guest’s gift bag. No explanation necessary.
Kris (formerly?) Jenner and Her Drama
The mother of the bride will no doubt do her usual dance of alternating between extremely needy/insecure and extremely attention-hungry/insecure. And she’ll probably have some weird hair situation.
Jesus Walks With Yeezus
Kanye’s already made headlines this week for bringing on a Jesus impersonator (?) onstage to perform with him. But that will no doubt pale in comparison to the percieved blasphemy on display come the wedding. A conservative guess? Two Jesus impersonators, one rapping the ceremony, one laying down the beat.
A Confusing Incorporation of Sports
After renting out a baseball field for the proposal, is it a stretch to clamber for other sports not desecrated by Kim’s exes? An outdoor track? A hockey rink? A hockey rink set up for curling?
Outrageous Wedding Gifts
With so many famous friends, maybe they’ll all just pool their cash and buy one, big, useful gift. Might I suggest a small planet? Perhaps a dwarf star? There’s a shocking lack of “K” initialed astral bodies.
Kanye’s Favorite Music: Kanye
Whether it’s walking down the aisle, cutting the cake, or the first dance, you can bet that the only jams that will grace the eardrums of the guests will be Kanye’s own. Or, potentially soaring orchestras… playing songs written/arranged by Kanye. The man knows what he likes, and it’s himself.
Kim’s Favorite Subject: Kim
With all the attention focused on them, many brides often get uncomfortable making so many decisions. I doubt Kim will have that problem. Kim Kardashian’s genius is that she really is doing what she loves. The girl knows what she likes, and it’s herself.
For some reason, tigers just seem like they will be a part of this wedding. There’s no real rhyme or reason to this… but doesn’t it seem right? Tigers? They’re huge, powerful, rare, and expensive.
Enough Money Spent to Kickstart the U.S. Economy
But of course, they won’t spend any of their money domestically. Everything at this wedding, down to the vacuum they use to clean up the tiger fur, will be French. Because as we all know, anything French is extra klassy.