Obviously celebrities are fun, or we’d never write about them or talk about them or be so curious about them that some people can actually make a living off of pursuing their deepest, darkest secrets and taking photos of them in their backyards. We can admit that without celeb culture, things could get a little boring; however, there are just a few things that have played out so heavily in 2010 that we’ve elected to give all the celebs out there some New Year’s Resolutions in the form of a behavior contract in hopes that these tired behaviors stop. Okay, so we probably won’t get Kim Kardashian or Lindsay Lohan to sign and swear to better behavior in 2011, but if we could get them, here’s what we’d ask them not to do:
CELEBRITY BEHAVIOR AGREEMENT
THIS CONTRACT, entered into on this 1st day of JANUARY, 2011, by HANNAH LAWRENCE, KELSEA STAHLER, and all members of CELEBRITY CULTURE is for the continuation of celebrity status and celebrity news coverage for the entirety of the year 2011. The undersigned celebrity reporters will continue to cover celebrity culture if the celebrities (both mentioned and unmentioned) adhere to the contract as follows:
We the reporters of Hollywood.com reserve the right to revoke celebrity status and all subsequent news coverage on their site in the case that these stipulations are breached.
1. CEASE UNWARRANTED, UBIQUITOUS FAME
Celebrities must perform some fame worthy feat, accomplishment, or task in order to become actual celebrities. Reporters will not accept another case of The Kardashian family, who is famous for being famous. These celebrities may not make headlines for having giant shopping sprees, stealing one of their boyfriend’s thunder after his team wins the Super Bowl, taking a family Christmas photo, or endorsing predatory credit cards with their photos and names emblazoned.
2. GO TO BOARDING SCHOOL, TAYLOR MOMSEN
Ms. Momsen must cease and desist all discussion of her own masturbation techniques, jokes about sex with Catholic priests, and other shock jock topics; she must spend 10 hours a week doing community service to help her understand that Gossip Girl is not more important than a disaster in Haiti; she must start wearing actual pants; she must take a geography class so she can learn the difference between England and Scotland.
3. STOP GETTING CAUGHT WITH DRUGS
Celebrities must stop acting like they are above the law. Stop posting videos of drug use on the internet, Miley. Paris Hilton, age 30, must stop getting caught at the AIRPORT with drugs. Charlie Sheen, the hookers don’t like being locked up in the closets at the Plaza, and Mr. Sheen must stop this behavior forthwith. From here on out, if Mr. Sheen wants something to lock in the closet, let it be Denise Richards.
If celebrities insist on breaching the drug rule, they (Lindsay) must stop going to rehab only to come out refreshed enough to do it all over again and they must not adorn their nails, jewelry, clothes, or skin with anything that resembles “Fuck U.” Undersigned reporters reserve the right to discontinue reporting if rehabilitative efforts are not taken seriously or are done without the intention of getting rehabilitated.
4. KEEP YOUR SEXIST, ANGRY, RACIST, OR OTHERWISE OFFENSIVE THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF
Unless Mel Gibson never wants to make a successful movie again, he must discontinue speaking, except to uniformed officials who he’s likely to call “sugar tits,” because that is newsworthy. Also, celebrities must cease discussion of ex-girlfriends’ sexual preferences and habits (John Mayer, your incessant chatter should not overshadow your talents).
5. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS
Tiger Woods and Jesse James – stop throwing it all away for a trollop or a stripper with tattoos on her forehead and swastikas on her shins. If a classy lady is gracious enough to let you hang out around her, live under the same roof with you, or have your kids, try not be such a dumbass.
Brett Favre: pants are good. Cell phone photos of you without pants are bad, mmk? If you’re compelled to photograph your junk, at least take a picture that makes it look like your junk is worth photographing.
6. NO MORE REALITY STAR CROSSOVERS*
No, money can’t buy class, and it can’t buy talent either. (Are you listening, Countess LuAnn?) Also, if a celebrity’s song sounds like a request from someone’s middle school teacher the day before the big dance (similar to Kim “Tardy for the Party” Zolciak’s) they must pay a fine of everything.
*Exceptions will begrudgingly be allowed for those who are legitimately talented. Reality TV fame will be forgiven once actual talents and their authenticity have been proven in the public arena for a significant amount of time.
7. TWITTER IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR PHONES, EMAIL, OR ACTUAL HUMAN CONTACT
Celebrities are not to use Twitter, Facebook, or other social networking platforms as a means of righting their wrongs. They must actually apologize to another person. They must try to use more serious forms of communication if they wish to be sincere. There’s a reason Hallmark doesn’t offer to write a tweet to send to grandma, and it’s not because she doesn’t have Twitter.
Or desires for sexual encounters. Or advice for ladies to perform fellatio in order to keep their boyfriends. Or the number of things to do while having sex simultaneously. Or anything that can be deemed WWWTMI, 50 Cent.
*If you are drunk, hilarious, and stuck in midair on a plane, or Louis C.K., disregard the above clause.
8. STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR BODY, HEIDI MONTAG
The public was tired of Ms. Montag’s insane praise of her excessive surgeries when she first emerged from them. They grew tired of hearing about how no one understood her and how everyone was judging, or jealous of her, or whatever. Now, there is no way in hell anyone wants to hear about how much she regrets getting the surgeries or how she has to massage your breasts every day. In fact, she must also do 10 hours a week of community service alongside Taylor Momsen so she may learn that fame, giant boobs, and Spencer’s flesh-colored beard are trivial concerns.
Mo’nique must shave her legs unless she wants her Oscar to be forever overshadowed by the fact she elects not to shave her legs. If she does not oblige this request, she is prohibited from baring them so brazenly, openly talking about them, or proliferating conversation about them. An acceptable alternative would be to take a pointer from our Secretary of State and buy a pantsuit. The fact we know that you don’t shave your legs makes our parents angry they sent us to an educational institution.
9. NO MORE FOOD DRESSES
This really only applies to Lady Gaga, although Ke$ha may be next with a roadkill dress and the edible nature of that VMA meat dress is sort of debatable. If such instance arises, reporters will draft amendments for clarification.
10. TEEN IDOLS MUST STOP SELLING CREEPY, STRANGE, OR INAPPROPRIATE MERCHANDISE
Boy teen idols selling nail polish? And underwear for little girls with pictures of their faces? Pillows with their initials? Underwear for little boys with celebs’ faces on them? J. Beibs, stop the madness. This is just creepy.
By signing this document you agree to these stipulations. If you are found in breach of these rules, you may find your celebrity status in low esteem and the number of headlines bearing your name will be significantly diminished. We will also accept a lack of signatures in exchange for your attempts to simply follow these rules. Just knock it off, okay guys?
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Hannah Lawrence
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Kelsea Stahler
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Hollywood Celebrities
