We’re continuing our one-year old tradition, which we so lovingly started last December, which is our way of making celebrities’ New Year’s resolutions for them. Sure, the first time Lindsay Lohan got into some trouble, our dastardly sides had a bit of fun digging up all the dirt we could find. And the second and third time, it was still pretty entertaining, but we’ve reached that point where it’s not even interesting to hear that she has to spend 4 hours in jail or that she’s suing someone else for mentioning her name in a fairly accurate hip-hop verse. We’re over it. We cover it begrudgingly because that day Justin Bieber has yet to come out with a music video featuring Mariah Carey gyrating or because Johnny Depp hasn’t compared paparazzi photos to an indescribably horrible act that is in no way similar.
Essentially, we do it because we have to, but it comes with a thick layer of cynicism instead of the glowing adoration of a post about say, Beyoncé’s baby bump or Ryan Gosling’s good Samaritan act. All we’re saying is, we’re going to write about you, celebs. It’s a given. We’re too obsessed. We’d just like it if our 2012 coverage didn’t include these bad behaviors:
CELEBRITY BEHAVIOR AGREEMENT
THIS CONTRACT, entered into on this 1st day of JANUARY, 2012, by KELLY SCHREMPH, KELSEA STAHLER, and all members of CELEBRITY CULTURE is for the continuation of celebrity status and celebrity news coverage for the entirety of the year 2011. The undersigned celebrity reporters will continue to cover celebrity culture if the celebrities (both mentioned and unmentioned) adhere to the contract as follows:
We, the celeb writers of Hollywood.com, reserve the right to revoke celebrity status and all subsequent news coverage on their site in the case that these stipulations are breached.
1. YOU WILL NOT TWEET WITHOUT FIRST USING YOUR GOD-GIVEN BRAIN.
Thinking before exposing one’s thoughts on an unguarded social networking site should be an easy requirement, but just ask Ashton Kutcher, who tweeted about the Penn State scandal before knowing that his precious Joe Paterno was fired for good reason. Or ask Roger Ebert, who tweeted “Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive,” when Jackass star Ryan Dunn passed away tragically. Or ask Charlie Sheen, whose cell phone crashed when he absentmindedly tweeted his phone number to Justin Bieber in a public at-reply. Or ask Anthony Weiner, who had his own “DM fail” when he accidentally publicly sent that photo of his package. Thinking: it’s what humans do.
2. CHARLIE SHEEN WILL TAKE 2012 OFF.
If you’re not tired of hearing “winning” and “tiger blood” and any other warlock lingo, you must have spent 2011 hiking the Andes or helping build homes in a war-ravaged nation with no possible link to the interwebby world, because those phrases were ubiquitous – and they are officially over. Sheen and his crazy train need to pack it up starting at 12:01 a.m. Jan. 1. When we can stop associating him with goddesses and porn families, he can come back. Until then, we don’t want to hear a peep.
3. YOU WILL NOT GET TOO DRUNK TO LEGALLY RIDE IN A CAR.
Who cares about that time she forgot the lyrics to the National Anthem? Christina Aguilera later got arrested for public intoxication while riding in the passenger seat of her boyfriend’s car. The boyfriend got pulled over for drunk driving, but passenger Aguilera was carted away when police discovered that she’d clearly won the drinking contest. Let’s all agree this is unacceptable.
4. AS A CELEB, YOU’VE GIVEN UP THE PRIVILEGE OF KEEPING NUDE PHOTOS SECRET. DON’T TAKE THEM, OR BE PREPARED FOR SOME PERV TO LEAK THEM TO EVERY WILLING BLOG.
While Blake Lively’s little photo shoot is still unconfirmed (officially, though our eyes suggest otherwise), the damage is done. Even sweet, classy lady Emma Watson became the victim of a nude photo scandal, though her photos were actually proven to be fake. But then you have Scarlett Johansson, who actually admits to taking her nudie pics, so ardently in fact that she instigated a full FBI investigation to find the hackers who stole them.
4a. JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT.
If your nude photos do leak, just admit it and launch an investigation to find the culprit. Then you can go on late night shows and look like the most mature person in Hollywood when you’re able to joke about it.
4b. DRUGS ARE BAD TOO, MMK?
So, maybe you’re not running around topless at the hot tub, but instead you’re exercising your college-age need to experiement with things like cheap liquor and weed. If you can’t be sure you can trust the revelers around you not to take pictures or video and post them to Twitter, either make them sign a contract or come to the mature conclusion that it’s just not worth it.
5. IF YOU’RE MENTALLY UNSTABLE, AVOID HIGH PRESSURE SITUATIONS AND GOOD MORNING AMERICA.
Chris Brown went on GMA for what he thought was your average music-related interview when he fielded a few questions about his chequered past. He was agitated during the interview, but it was what happened off camera that had us all rolling our eyes and reluctantly talking about it. He shattered the glass in his dressing room and stormed out of the GMA offices sans his shirt. The undersigned reporters will like still write about such incidents, but we do not promise to be nice about it.
6. IF YOU DON’T LIKE HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE, DON’T AGREE TO MARRY HIM OR HER.
Crystal Harris
, unfortunately you will be forever known as the woman who dumped Hugh Hefner and then told Howard Stern what a terrible lover the Hef supposedly is. Instead of looking like a young girl who realized her mistake at the last minute, she painted herself as the harpy who dished dirt on the poor old 80-something year-old man she dumped. She made us feel sorry for Hefner, and that’s practically the Mount Everest of celeb-facing sympathy.
7. YOU NEVER HAVE TO PEE THAT BADLY.
French actor Gerard Depardieu really had to go on his most publicized flight ever. When the flight attendant told him to be patient, and that the bathrooms were locked at the moment, Depardieu became so irate he peed in the aisle of the plane. While this incident did give birth to the giggle fit heard ’round the world, let’s not let it happen again.
8. IF GEORGE CLOONEY SAYS HE’S NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED, BELIEVE HIM.
Elisabetta Canalis was kicked to the curb by everyone’s favorite silver fox a curiously short time after she talked about her “fairytale” and her “friends” released statements to the press about her hopes for her matrimonial future with the actor. She later stated that they had never discussed future plans like kids or marriage, so it seems on some level she knew it wasn’t an option. Plus, if her nameless informant friends really heard her say those marriagey things, I’m guessing it was a Pinot Grigio secret situation and those ladies are going to girls’ night hell for spilling the details to a gossip rag.
9. YOU CANNOT BE A ROLE MODEL AND PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR THE “DRUNK DIET” AND USING “WHISKEY AND OTHER STUFF” AS ARTISTIC INSPIRATION
You cannot be a role model and profess your love for the “drunk diet” and admit you “drink whiskey and other stuff” when writing songs.
Lady Gaga acts as a role model to her little monsters, urging them to support LGBT issues and to be themselves, no matter how hard it can be, yet she publicly admits to living like a 70 year old mentally ravaged bar fly. You can’t have both worlds, Gaga.
10. KIM KARDASHIAN MAY NOT GET MARRIED AGAIN, BUT IF SHE DOES, WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLETELY IGNORE THE REQUISITE TWO-DAY E! SPECIAL.
We’re all too aware of the most famous Kardashian’s incredibly short lived marriage to Kris Humphries. They met, three minutes later got married and in the blink of an eye got divorced. (You may want to check the official timeline on that, which shouldn’t take that long since it all happened in the same year.) Naturally a command like this comes with a few other requirements:
10a. TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Do not marry someone the same year you meet them.
10b. A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME, MINNESOTA IS.
Do not get married if you haven’t decided on a general area of the country to live in.
10c. TRUE LOVE MEANS NEVER TELLING YOUR PARTNER THEY’LL SOON BE IRRELEVANT.
Don’t marry someone who doesn’t understand why you’re famous. (To be fair, we’re still trying to figure that out.)
10d. PAY FOR YOUR OWN WEDDING, MULTIMILLIONAIRES; AND DON’T RUB IT IN OUR FACES.
Don’t televise your heavily sponsored wedding on national television.
10e. A TV WEDDING IS GROUNDS FOR NEVERENDING SKEPTICISM.
Don’t complain about fans and reporters questioning the validity of the marriage if requirement D is not followed.
By signing this document you agree to these stipulations. If you are found in breach of these rules, you may find your celebrity status in low esteem and the number of headlines bearing your name will be significantly diminished. We will also accept a lack of signatures in exchange for your attempts to simply follow these rules. Just knock it off, okay guys?
___________________________________ Jan 1, 2012
Kelly Schremph
___________________________________ Jan 1, 2012
Kelsea Stahler
___________________________________ Jan 1, 2012
Hollywood Celebrities
