The Daily Shuffle: Charlie Sheen Says He Didn’t Shoot Kelly Preston

charlie sheenWhile in Vancouver on his Violent Torpedo of Truth tour last night, Charlie Sheen set the record straight and said he didn’t shoot Kelly Preston in the arm in 1990 — but that in fact, she shot herself. He said, “I was downstairs early in the morning making coffee and I thought she was asleep upstairs. And I  heard a fucking gunshot go off. I thought ‘She finally did it, she finally fucking did it. She killed herself and they’re going to fucking blame me. So I abandoned the coffee, because a gunshot in the morning will wake you up better than a nice cup of coffee. I come around the corner and there’s naked Kelly Preston at the top of the stairs, holding her wrist, staring at me, covered in blood…I thought ‘that’s pretty fucking hot.’ She explained to me that when she lifted my pants off the scale in the bathroom…the tiny revolver I used to carry…it fell out of the back jeans pocket and hit the floor and shot a bullet right between her legs. So she got hit with schrapnel from the toilet bowl.” So guys, relax. A fucking bullet just ricocheted off the toilet bowl because Charlie Sheen left his pants on the bathroom scale! – E!

Lindsay Lohan will plead no contest to the misdemeanor theft charge so the Judge does not augment her sentence of 120 days in jail. TMZ checked with the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department (who runs the jail Lindsay would serve her time), and they said for non-violent bitches who commit misdemeanor crimes, the department sometimes allows people to serve their time at home if they wear an electronic monitoring bracelet. Looks like she’ll be needing more Pamela Roland jumpsuits! – TMZ

Katy Perry told Vanity Fair that she didn’t have a childhood and that’s why she’s all over the place with cotton candy and perfume bottles that look like kitties. She couldn’t read any books other than the Bible, and she considered Planned Parenthood to the the place where people went to have abortions. She said, “I was always scared I was going to get bombed when I was in there. I didn’t know it was more than that, that it was for women and their needs. I didn’t have insurance, so I went there and I learned about birth control.” She also said her parents are still evangelical Christians, but Katy just agrees to disagree with them. “They’re excited about my success. They’re happy that things are going well for their three children and they’re not on drugs, or in prison.” – This is London