The iPhone 5 is Almost Here: What We Need from Apple

Apple iPhone 5Today, tech writers and Apple fanboys alike got the news they’ve been waiting a whole year to hear: the new iPhone 5 is coming! The folks over at One Infinite Loop have released an invitation to an event on September 12th, and as you can not-so-subtley see in the image above, the number 12 creates a shadow of the number 5, a clear allusion to the futuristic-space-phone-computer-robot-brain that everyone has been waiting for.

So what can we look forward to seeing? Well, I’m sure if you check out the more popular tech bloggers, you’ll find a realistic speculation on things that include words like RAM and pixels and LTE and other technical gobbledygook. But, see, being a uh, phone user, I know what you really want, so we’ve put together a few demands for Apple’s designers. Trust us, Apple: make these changes and your phone will be HUGE.

Apple should create a Zooey Deschanel QuestionBot sidekick for Siri: for all the stupid questions you need to ask (is that wet stuff coming out of the sky rain?!), The ZooeyBot will take care of it for you, as well as handle the subsequent embarrassment so you don’t have to!

An app that instantly downloads your hilariously snarky quips from your brain and imports them right to Twitter.

Siri’s voice (and just her voice, since we all know she doesn’t even know what a week-end is) should be changed to Maggie Smith ala the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.

All standard iPhones should come with a protective coating for any and all dropped in toilet/puddle moments.

A app that tells me what I want to eat for dinner after working all damned day and being too tired to even think about turning on the stove.

An extra case that conducts a field sobriety test and forbids you from texting old boyfriends/girlfriends upon results.

I mean…I wouldn’t hate it if the iPhone 5 could make tiny personal pizzas, would you?

A second option should be included in Siri’s advice: the “What Would Tim Riggins Do?” alternative answer.

New language option: HoneyBooBoolish.

In order to expand the functionality of the iPhone 5, it should come pre-installed with software that alerts you to when Amanda Bynes is driving within a mile of you.

Allow the option of blocking all social media-related images of your exes: 1.) looking happy, 2.) getting married, 3.) having children.

Pro-Tip: Any iPhone with the capability of scrubbing poor decisions from the Internet will sell out instantly in Hollywood and Washington, DC.

InstaGlammed: A functionality within the phone’s camera itself to immediately photoshop any of your “problem areas” into the perfect reality you expect.

The iPhone’s Emergency Update System should include any and all details about the upcoming season of Game of Thrones.

Programming capabilities that make it impossible for certain people to call you on your phone. Because everyone should just text you like a normal person, right?!

And the most innovative iPhone software idea: make it so I can actually have service whenever I need it!

What sort of features do you think are must-haves for the next iPhone 5? Let us know in the comments!

[Photo Credit: Apple]

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes


Apple Is the World: Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs, the Founder’s Drug History & More

Pop Culture Dioramas: Art inspired by ‘Avengers,’ ‘Magic Mike,’ and More

Apple Becomes the Most Valuable Company in the World