These days, the idea of a celebrity becoming the leader of the free world is something laughable. Can you imagine, a movie star (let alone a reality star) in the White House? Pshaw! But, it seems everybody wants to put their hat into the political ring these days, so perhaps one day soon we’ll have another actor in the Oval Office to join Ronald Reagan‘s lonely little club of celebrities-turned-Presidents.
As we close in on what feels like the most intense presidential election season to date, we thought to ourselves, “Hey, let’s take a little break from all the vitrol, all the hatred and divisiveness and focus on something silly we can all agree on: Wouldn’t it be funny of one of these people were our president?”
Because in the end, once the dust settles on this campaign season, we’ll have to go back to agreeing on at least some things, so we can get back to all getting along (sort of) again. Why not start off with a little bit of light-hearted irreverence loosely based on the happenings of the past year (and then some!) of political strong-arming, right? Enter: the celebrities that would be president.
Yes, you heard that right: the following stars have actually expressed interest in running the most powerful nation in the world. What would their campaign slogan be? Who’s their Paul Ryan, Joe Biden, or (gulp) Sarah Palin? What would they want to change about our fair nation? We decided to take a deeper look at their would-be campaigns, and lay it all out for you, the American people.
Oh yeah, and everybody? Vote!
Vice President: Sean Penn. Of all of Madonna’s former flames and friends, Penn is undoubtedly the most political. With his dedication to the seemingly continual crises in Haiti, we imagine these two would put their differences aside for the greater good of America.
Campaign Slogan: Justify Your Vote. Love, votes — so often one and the same when you’re a passionate politico. Madonna’s slogan would be a hint of her pop star ways, but also speak to the bigger question of justifying a vote for the singing presidential candidate.
Presidential Platform: Madonna would be a wildly liberal and controversial candidate. She would campaign heavily on the promise of a constitutional amendment to make marriage legal for same-sex couples. Undoubtedly, her campaign ads would involve a freedom of religion, expression, artistic endeavors, and voguing.
President Nick Jonas
Vice President: Demi Lovato. You know, to pull in those lady votes.
Campaign Slogan: Make It Right. A slogan based on the title of one of his songs? Naturally, this is how the littlest, non-bonus Jonas would amp up the excitement of his campaign. By the time Jonas is old enough to run for president, his fans may have long-forgotten his boy band superstardom days. Always good to use a gentle reminder of your past glory days to gain some momentum!
Presidential Platform: Jonas would definitely be big on medical advancements and treatment, given his outspoken support for diabetes research. It therefore seems natural that Jonas would campaign on health care reform and investing money into scientific education and research. Additionally, Jonas would probably be really interested in reinvigorating the religiously-minded folks across the country (no, no one’s forgotten about those purity rings, Nick). Whether it be religious freedom, or just used as a bit of a moral compass is yet to be seen.
President Pauly Shore
Vice President: While we’d typically choose Stephen Baldwin to complete this ticket (hello, Bio-Dome reunion!), we know that their politics (Baldwin is conservative, Shore is liberal) are quite different. Our second choice, Rob Schneider, has the same problem (they endorsed different candidates this season). So instead, we choose his Encino Man co-star, Brendan Fraser.
Campaign Slogan: Thinking About You. Shore has become notably more political in recent years, and in his special Pauly-tics, he discusses a desire to think about everyone else and make the US economy strong again. So instead of making the election road all about him, he’d instead make it all about you. Not a bad political move when you’re a comedian most well-known for being The Weasel.
Presidential Platform: Legalization of marijuana, possibly other drugs. He would create a new cabinet position: The Secretary of Hilarity, to make sure that the US keeps its sense of humor (even if it’s a really, really lowbrow one) above all else in trying times.
President Arnold Schwarzenegger
Vice President: Sylvester Stallone. If Arnold ever went from Governator to Presidenator, he would certainly need his Expendables co-star to beat up all the threats to American freedom.
Campaign Slogan: Don’t Be A Girly-Man. It’s always about being manly with this guy. Second string options include something about pumping and humping: the two greatest activities a man can do, according to Schwarzenegger. (I wonder how he’d do with the female vote.)
Presidential Platform: Schwarzenegger would certainly campaign on his run as California Governor, even if he wasn’t all that popular. He would certainly campaign on a promise for more jobs and a better economy (Schwarzenegger has frequently been quoted as saying that “the public doesn’t care about figures” when it comes to the economy, but does care about jobs). He’d be a very typical Republican candidate—minus all the push-ups and the budget for accidental suit shredding from his intense workout regime.
President Donald Trump
Vice President: Donald Trump. Because The Donald is a business man. He doesn’t need a second in command. All America needs is him and his billions. And the fact that he believes he is the world’s most famous human. Megalomania is always a good quality to have in a politician!
Campaign Slogan: Money Makes the World Work. And if you don’t believe it, you’re fired from America.
Presidential Platform: Since The Donald has actually already run for President in the past, and has been both a registered Democrat (in 2001) and now a Republican, he will no doubt run on a platform of bipartisanship. Sure, he hates our current president with every fiber of his being, but that’s personal, not political. In 2007, Trump has been quoted as saying, “I’m very much independent in that way. I go for the person, not necessarily the party. I mean, I vote for Republicans and I vote for Democrats.” The biggest issues for The Donald? Loopholes for the rich, Trickle-down economics, turn The Apprentice into a legal viewing requirement for all Americans, and a constitutional amendment to recognize corporations as human beings.
President Roseanne Barr
Vice President: Cindy Sheehan. Since the noted activist is already Barr’s running mate in the 2012 election, might as well keep her on board.
Campaign Slogan: Seriously. Because even though she’s a comedian, Barr takes her politics very seriously. She always has—haven’t you seen an episode of Roseanne?
Presidential Platform: Being a member of the Peace and Freedom Party, Barr’s political leanings are very liberal. She wants to end the war on drugs and, well, all wars. No more fighting! So no doubt the legalization of marijuana (and all drugs) will factor into her economic policies (look at all the tax options!). She might also make it a constitutional amendment to ban former husband Tom Arnold from the United States.
President Alec Baldwin
Vice President: This one is a toughie. Since Baldwin is incredibly serious about politics, we imagine he’d pick a real hard-line liberal to end up on his ticket. His dream would probably be someone as accomplished as Hilary Clinton, but we all know she’s probably a shoo-in for frontrunner in the 2016 race. Instead I’d bet on Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank. Having an openly-gay VP candidate would cause just the right amount of hysteria on the right for Baldwin’s liking, no doubt.
Campaign Slogan: We’re Better Together. Given that Baldwin is an actor, he’s probably also a bit of a people-pleaser. Hence the desire for everyone to come together under his line of thought.
Presidential Platform: Baldwin is all about the economy and the environment. He’s traveled around discussing an anti-fracking documentary, so clean energy (real clean energy, not coal) would certainly be a platform point. As would the current deficit and tax reform. Baldwin wants to actually pay more taxes as a wealthy America. Which is certainly admirable.
President Will Smith
Vice President: Jeffrey Allen Townes, aka DJ Jazzy Jeff, obviously. Please.
Campaign Slogan: Let’s Do This…Big Willie Style. Because let me tell you, Smith is nothing if not confident.
Presidential Platform: In an interview with UK’s The Mail, Smith has already stated what he believes are the country’s most important issues: “The basis of human sanity is physical survival, right? So I’d start with universal healthcare and shelter.” Look out for his children to also get cabinet positions, or at least their own movies, tv shows, and concert specials about being the Freshest First Family in the White House.
Vice President: Oprah Winfrey. Because with their powers combined, they’d probably sweep the election.
Campaign Slogan: I Got 99 Problems But Electability Ain’t One. No additional commentary necessary.
Presidential Platform: HOV lanes… for everyone! Terrible jokes aside, Jay-Z will probably campaign on the promise of solving the biggest problems facing America: the lack of accountability amongst the big pimpin’ types in the US. There would no doubt be some sort of reform surrounding that. Picturing Beyoncé as FLOTUS might just make this election dream a reality for him. Blue Ivy would become the most popular name in the US, and Kanye West would be the Secretary of Swag.
Would you vote for any of these potential presidents? Think they’re all a wash? Let us know in the comments!
[Photo Credit: WENN.com]
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