There’s An Anna Nicole Smith Musical

When Anna Nicole Smith died, it was largely seen as a tragedy. Like, look: she was born in a small town in Texas, which she was romantically rescued from when she met her 90 year old oil tycoon husband. He took care of her and taught her the ways of the world, even though she clearly was not normal. But when he died, she was truly lost. We all asked her repeatedly if she was only with him for his money, but she never admitted to it. Instead she said that she loved him and was thankful for having met him while she took shit from his sons about money. Later on, she lived her life in a big big mansion with her son, a dog that humped slippers and this weird, like, woman slave of hers who had blue hair. On the average day, she would ask her son how his day at school was (whose response indicated he was so obviously torn between feelings of amazement and disgust over how she was the means by which he became an inhabitant of earth), try on clothes (that the clothes themselves didn’t even want her to fit in to), order her slave to get her some random things, and eat. She was very overweight throughout all of this, which was clearly a product of her loneliness. Later on in her life she met a pair of Howards, who probably abused her in their own ways, like the time one of them gave her some pills and recorded how she put clown makeup all over her face. She lost a lot of the weight by taking a weight loss drug, and even though she looked really great and all, she was already psychologically damaged. Then her son died after she had a baby girl and, you know. Life, man — not always as cute as a card that has a blue-eyed kitten in a tiara on it.

BUT APPARENTLY THE SADNESS CLOUD HAS PASSED, as it seems like it’s okay to make fun of Anna Nicole again! The Royal Opera in London has premiered an opera based on Anna Nicole’s life, MSNBC says even though it has “a splendid performance by Eva-Maria Westbroek in the title role,” it is “hard to empathize with her, much less imagine her as a figure of tragedy.” THAT MEANS THEY’VE MADE HER CARTOONISH! OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A BRITISH PRODUCTION. OBVIOUSLY! They give us Harry Potter, everything’s great, they make a mess of money, and then they kick us by deflating AN ALREADY DEAD woman who we loved (for whatever reason). Honestly, we should have known better.

Source: NYM