Well, s**t. That’s really all one can say about this, right? The video (below) of Ryan Gosling may cause the collective ovaries of the Internet to explode. If you thought you had seen a lull in the 2012 Goslapocalypse, think again. Turn away from this page if you care about your mental well-being. Because here is the apex of adorable Ryan Gosling things (unless Ryan decides to play the ukulele to a dreaming puppy while singing “House of Cards” by Radiohead, in which case I will cease to exist): Tiny Ryan Gosling singing and dancing at a 1991 talent show with his sister Mandi.
Now, Ryan Gosling’s war against heterosexual females and homosexual males has long been documented — from his ability to break up fights, to his feminism, to his saving of people from harm, to his rescuing of animals — but this, this is just… it’s going too far. Ryan Gosling must be stopped. And I’m here to appeal to him, one consenting adult to another (fingers crossed!):
Dear Ryan Gosling,
Hey there! How are you doing? Oh, yeah? That’s swell. Listen, I need to ask you a favor, and I’m just going to come out and say it. I need you to stop existing before you destroy the universe. I know, I know; it sounds like a big claim, but seriously, hear me out.
You are ruining everything. It’s actually a compliment if you think about it! You are too good at existing, and it’s about to cause a shift in the tectonic plates or something, which means the world is going to collapse.
We (meaning all people that could ever possibly be attracted to you. So, like, 90 percent of the universe, roughly) could sort of deal with the idea that a beautiful human specimen such as yourself exists. We could almost deal with it when you started saving humans from harm. We were barely hanging on when you started talking about your stance on empowering female sexuality. And then we suffered heart-attack-levels of duress when you starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love. Now this? You, as a small child singing “When A Man Loves A Woman” and dancing?! You’ve gone too far, sir. Too Far!
Now you’ve got us daydreaming about life on a combination farm-slash-winery in upstate New York, where we have children made up of 50 percent of your gene pool (because for a child to be even 50 percent of you means they’re already in the top .5 percent of the world’s greatest humans automatically). You tend to the grapes and play guitar, and I bake cakes and do arts-and-crafts and we hang-dry our laundry on a line in the yard. And we have three dogs. And everyone would comment about just how charming and perfect little Ryan Jr. is (to say nothing of his dance skills), and, well, that’s just taking it too far. Your sorcery has somehow tricked this 26-year-old career-minded urban-obsessed lady into wanting children and a quiet life in the country. Do you know how opposite all that is?! Do you have any idea at all?
And you know what comes after this, don’t you? It’s not just me. All the women (and some of the men) in the world are going to be too depressed at the thought of not being able to procreate with you. So all procreation will cease to occur. This is science. The human race will die off. Do you understand me? Do you understand the gravity of this situation, Ryan Gosling!? Do you even have any idea?! Your existence is literally the end of civilization.
Look, I know this is a lot to take in, but it’s the harsh reality. You did this! You were the one that just had to be charming, handsome, funny, intelligent, musical, and a modern-day superhero type that loves dogs. And to make it worse, you decided to also be an adorable tiny Gosling, too — as if grown-up Gosling wasn’t enough! This is your fault! You are such a jerk, Ryan Gosling! A massive, huge, handsome, dreamy jerk.
So you’re just going to have to disappear and we’re all going to have to get our minds erased à la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and, well, I’m sure you’ve seen the film (you are such a patron of the arts), so you know how terrible that whole process and situation looks.
So I think, for the sake of humanity, you need to stop. Because our brains and our bodies and our feelings cannot handle it any longer. It is too much, Ryan; we are all bursting at the seams, and that’s not healthy. So please, Ryan Gosling, I am begging you: Stop being so Ryan Gosling-y before you cause the end of the world.
Alicia and the People of Earth
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Check out Tiny Ryan Gosling below, if you dare. It’s sort of not safe for life (NSFL), in a way:
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
[Photo Credit: Warner Brothers Entertainment]