Welcome back to another edition of Unhappy Hour, pop culture fiends! Man, the world of celebs, TV, and movies sure does test our limits at every turn. Life is just so rough. But, that’s why holiday weekends like Memorial Day are so important. You could blame your penchant for summertime brews on the stress of like, work, or something, but believe us: These pop culture happenings are worse.
Besides, what a better badge of pop culture honor is there than answering the inevitable “What’s got you so stressed?” question with something like, “My favorite TV show won’t be back until September, okay? LAY OFF!”? Now, sit back, work out that grilling arm, grab a beer, and get ready for the most ridiculous goings-on from the week of May 21.
Beware! This post contains spoilers from Revenge, American Idol, and Glee!
Have Some Light Beers By The Grill
It already broke our hearts to see Matthew Fox go alternate-universe Jack
when he ended up with that pesky DUI, but now, he’s looking like a lesser version of The Dark Knight Rises
‘ Bane. Why
is this happening?
The darling actress known for her roles on Community and Mad Men has reportedly been dating Dave Franco for months now. They even buy groceries together and hold hands. Boys, I’m sorry. Ladies, prepare for the moping. So much moping.
Just click. And accept this preemptive apology: We’re sorry. No one should have to see those pants.
Some boats make you seasick. This boat gives you the drunk-person wobble.
Grab a Rum Punch, Heavy on the Rum (Mini-Umbrella Optional)
Because as Jane Austen’s Mr. Darcy says, our good opinion once lost is lost forever? Oh well. Party on, Mr. President.
Graduation didn’t clean up any of our McKinley set’s issues. It just took the riff-raff and brushed it under the rug. And then it sent Rachel Berry to New York in a Cracker Jack Flight Attendant suit four months before she’s supposed to start college. Hot. Mess.
Look, Phillip Phillips is fantastic. And adorable. And talented. And did we mention how adorable he is? He’s great. It would just be nice if for once, since the time Jordin Sparks took the title, we didn’t see the Cute Southern White Boy’s win coming from a mile away.
Take a Trip to Long Island… Iced Tea
It’s bad enough that we have to live without the Hamptons melodrama until September, but now we can’t be sure our beloved Queen Victoria Grayson will be around come premiere time. In the final minutes of the Season 1 finale, Victoria supposedly died in a plane crash, but we refuse to believe it. Revenge without Victoria is like a nice glass of scotch… minus the scotch.
So much for #SixSeasonsAndAMovie. The man whose slightly worrisome brain spawned the pop culture darling that is NBC’s Community, has been shoved off the poop deck of his beloved ship. This is the darkest timeline. Prepare your black, felt goatee.
This is almost the limit for weird celebrity behavior, give or take a Kanye West pants malfunction: Justin Bieber’s has a nickname for his genetalia. Oh, but it gets worse. The nickname is Jerry, which started a Twitter phenomenon of ardent fans promising to be the Tom to Bieber’s Jerry. (Shudder.) Hanna Barbara, we’ve failed you.
Yep. This is the limit. This is just about as much as we can handle. Nicole Kidman’s character bestows a golden show upon Zac Efron in their new movie The Paperboy. And no, I will not be footing the bill for your subsequent therapy sessions upon reading that sentence.
What do you think was the most despicable pop culture story this week? Sound off in the comments!