Unhappy Hour: A Ryan Gosling Kiddie Book, Azealia Banks’ Condom, & 7 More Reasons to Drink

Ryan Gosling Coloring BookEach week, Hollywood gives us something to whine about, and the week of Aug. 13 was no different. We could make a drinking game out of this week, but that would be too dangerous. Instead, we’ll stick to the usual formula: varying levels of alcoholic respite depending on how bothersome the week’s issues are. Is your biggest complaint this week a flismy one? How about a light cocktail to take the edge off? Got a real bone to pick with a celeb or entertainment entity this week? Go ahead, grab a drink that’ll put hair on your chest. Here are the week’s entertainment stories that are forcing us to seek a bubbly or boozy refuge. 

Take the Edge Off With a Glass of Pinot Grigio
Leave. Robert Pattinson. Alone. 
Let’s turn our lenses away from the victim of a cheating scandal for a minute, why don’t we? The poor guy is just trying to promote his little indie movie and he can’t go on Good Morning America without hearing “Are you okay? You can’t be okay. Come on. Are you O-K?” And he’s not the one who did anything at all to deserve this headache. He’s the victim. At least Jon Stewart had the right idea: hand the guy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and move on. 
The New Ryan Gosling Coloring Book Fails to Be The Real Ryan Gosling.
But at least you’re technically not lying if you tell someone “I can’t go out because I’m spending the evening with Ryan Gosling.” You don’t have to tell them your Ryan Gosling is 2-D and devoid of all color. 
Get a Little Happy With a Rum and Coke
Dexter Might Kill His Sister on Dexter.
The new trailer shows the Robin Hood serial killer contemplating unleashing his dark passenger on Deb, his step-sister who also happens to be in love with him. Of course, murdering her would certainly be one way to keep fans from revolting against the quasi-incestuous plot introduced in the season finale last December. This is so terrible, it just might wrap back around to brilliant again. 
R.I.P. Abbey Elliot’s Khloe Kardashian Impression
The auburn-haired comedian won’t be returning to SNL, and while she certainly was no Kristen Wiig, I’m not sure we can live without “And I’m Kah-loweeeeee … (silence).”
There Are People Who Are Cruel Enough to Give Gabby Douglas, An American Hero, Flack For Her Haircut.
Newsflash, Twitter: No one cares that you don’t like Gabby Douglas‘ haircut. And until the Olympics starts handing out gold medals for harshest, most unnecessary tweets, you should probably stop picking on a 16-year-old Olympic champion who’s probably got more strength in her pinky finger than you have in your well-worn Twittering thumbs.  
James Franco + “Art” + Lindsay Lohan Lookalikes = A Real Thing That Is Actually Happening.
The Guardian posted a casting call from Franco which stated he was looking for actors that resemble him and actresses that resemble Lohan at various ages for an “art project” he’s trying to make. Remember the good ol’ days, when Franco was our favorite hot guy with an attitude problem and only a slight penchant for absurdity? 
Let’s Pretend This Didn’t Happen With a Tequila Gimlet
Yet Again, Someone Is Complaining That Spongebob Squarepants Might Be Gay.
Clearly, someone’s been eating too many Krabby patties. Hey, Ukrainian Catholic fundamentalist group who claims Spongebob is “threateningly homosexual,” A: Let’s revisit the definition of “threatening” in the dictionary before we go wielding it like a water balloon, okay? B: I find your tone to be threateningly intolerant, and C: Your attack is wildly out of date (we heard this homophobic nonsense back in 1999). Take a chill pill and let’s all agree that Spongebob is awesome in every way and that he’s doing nothing more than making kids (and childlike adults) laugh on a regular basis. 
Sorry folks. This one did me in. I’m fresh out of snarky comments. That’s what this magazine cover has reduced me to, so thank you for that, Azealia Banks.

Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler.

More Unhappy Hour:

August 13

August 11