Unhappy Hour: Eight Ways Pop Culture Gave Us Reason to Drink on August 11

ALF MovieWhile you’re probably just thanking your lucky stars you didn’t fall on your rear in the Olympic gymnastic vault competition and then become a meme for contorting your face in disappointment right about now, you’ve probably had a rough week. But thanks to your friends’ rule about work-related complaints on Friday nights, you need to find something else to rant and rave about. And as usual, we’re here to deliver that list. 

Here are the things that aren’t impressing us this week:
White Wine Spritzer

The Uggs-with-a-short-skirt-in-Summer trend just won’t die.

You thought you rid yourself of this uncomfortable, sweaty, unflattering, disgusting trend when you left high school behind, but no. Famous people are proliferating this awfulness. I’m not sure which is worse: this or the velour-pant-suit-with-Juicy/Slut/Other Suggestive Name-on-the-rear trend.

We don’t believe in love any more.

Okay, we don’t believe in celebrity love any more. But still, when did we change from the sorts of folks who stayed up until 4 AM hosting Royal Wedding parties complete with Will and Kate stick-on nails to the sort of people who can’t believe that Kim and Kanye are actually in lurve? I blame Kristen Stewart.

The Bourne franchise really isn’t over losing Matt Damon.

Seriously. They mention his character’s name 16 times in The Bourne Legacy. They even flash pictures of his pretty face over and over again. Bourne, accept it. Jeremy Renner’s Aaron Cross is your new boy, and he’s giving you everything. Stop pining over the guy who left you two years ago. You’ve had two years. Move. On.

Rum Punch

The Dark Knight Rises is missing a character-making Bane origin scene.

There’s no way the scene that explained how Bane got to be so bad could have risen him to Joker level, but it might have made him a little more interesting. Well, up until Marion Cotilliard takes credit for everything.

Ryan Lochte has a shot at a reality show. Jeah, we’re telling the truth.

The really sad part is that it would probably be our next Jersey Shore, meaning we’d all watch it religiously and complain about it constantly.

Jimmy Fallon: the Oscars host was the best idea ever. Except for the fact that Jimmy Fallon turned down the offer.

Alright, Justin Timberlake. It’s all on you now.

Tequila Straight Up

We know way, way too much about Fifty Shades of Grey.

Just take a look at this faux-Fifty Shades soundtrack list and tell me you don’t remember where you were (and how you were hiding your copy of the book) when you read the matching passages. I’d say our mothers would be ashamed of us, but they’re reading the damned thing too.

ALF the movie is happening, but it’s happening with a CGI ALF.

It’s like Hollywood brought back my ALF birthday cake memories and then ran them through a shredder and burned the pieces to a crisp. ALF must be a puppet, or he’s not ALF.

Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler.

[Photo credit: NBC]

More Unhappy Hour:

Olympics Week 1

July 28


July 7

Celebrity Editor Kelsea Stahler was born in a pile of dirt. Okay, she was actually born in an old Naval hospital in San Diego, which then became a pile of dirt and remained as such for a number of years before becoming a parking lot perfectly sized for circus tents, and finally a museum. She eventually left San Diego to attend New York University, where she studied Journalism and English literature — two less-than profitable liberal arts degrees about which guidance counselors warned her. Against all odds, she now resides in Brooklyn, where she fights the constant fear that the locals will soon discover she isn’t quite cool enough to live there, and makes a living writing absurd, pop culture features about Batman, zombies, vampires, funny people, and Ron Swanson.