Every week, Hollywood gives us something to whine about, and the week of July 8 was no different. We could make a drinking game out of this week, but that would be too dangerous. Instead, we’ll stick to the usual formula: varying levels of alcoholic respite depending on how bothersome the week’s issues are. Is your biggest complaint this week a flimsy one? How about a light cocktail to take the edge off? Got a real bone to pick with a celeb or entertainment entity this week? Go ahead, grab a drink that’ll put hair on your chest. Here are the week’s entertainment stories that are forcing us to seek a bubbly or boozy refuge. And maybe an idea or two about how you should wash them down.
LIGHTEN UP WITH AN ELECTRIC LEMONADE
Rebecca Black covers Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop.” And while I ponder her persisting relevancy, all I really want to think about is if she chose the front seat or the back seat.
Daft Punk collaborates with Durex to create ‘Get Lucky’ condoms, becoming the first rap duo to ever advise using protection when you’re up all night to “get some.”
A giant Mr. Darcy emerges from a lake in London, prompting every Jane Austen-obsessed female to brew a cup of English tea and rewatch six glorious hours of Colin Firth in frilly shirts and tight breeches in BBC’s Pride and Prejudice.
WASH THIS WEEK DOWN WITH a FLAMING LAMBORGHINI
Kanye West’s “Black Skinhead” video leaks onto his site, prompting him to beg for Lamborghini Mercy in a vehement Twitter rampage. Welcome to Heartbreak, Yeezus.
Nicki Minaj might quit music for acting, becoming the latest celeb to seek out the ever-elusive EGOT.
James Franco is the next victim of a Comedy Central roast. We presume that he wrote, produced, and directed the entire show, in addition to casually creating a mural to advertise the event.
HIT THE HARDER STUFF WITH A zOMBIE
Amanda Bynes is back in court for throwing a bong out her 36th-story window. Her lawyer is pleading that it was an attempted throw to her Moody’s Point mom, who’s still stuck in a hot-air balloon.
Willow Smith releases a music video for her single “Summer Fling.” We aren’t sure which is more concerning: the 12-year-old’s much older male love interest or the cringe-worthy combination of her new name (Melodic Chaotic) and fake British accent.
Justin Bieber pees into a mop bucket, then squirts a spray bottle of liquid at a photo of President Bill Clinton, shouting, “F*ck Bill Clinton!”. The commander-in-chief accepted his apology, most likely because the Biebs squirted a bottle rather than choosing to “swag, swag, swag” on him.