Some pretty damn terrible stuff happened in 2012. On the serious side, there was war, poverty, starvation, and Hurricane Sandy. On the less serious side, there were annoying doomsday prophets, the death of Twinkies, the introduction of “YOLO” into the public vernacular, and the movie Playing for Keeps. In short, there were plenty of reasons for us to completely lose our s*** and ugly cry as a form of public catharsis this year. But these folks — real, or imaginary — took it a step further. They just wouldn’t. Stop. Crying. So, to give them something to be happy about, we’ve given them all an award — a spot on our ‘Top 5 Ugly Criers of 2012’ List! Behold!
5. The Drunk Crier: Deena Nicole Cortese, Jersey Shore
Poor Deena. Being arrested for public intoxication on public television is never fun. It’s even worse when your mother shows up and scolds you for your irresponsible behavior. We don’t really feel sorry for you since you do it to yourself (and make tons of money for it), but your mascara tears have earned you the number 5 spot on our list. Congrats?
NEXT: Someone who just can’t catch a break4. The “Everything I’ve Ever Known is Falling Apart” Crier: Juice (Theo Rossi), Sons of Anarchy
Juice, Juice, Juice. You know, you could have just told the club that your father was black, and that whole RICO case dilemma — as well as having your soul torn apart by being stuck in the middle of the epic battle between Jax and Clay — would never have happened. Honestly is always the best policy, and you certainly learned that the hard way this year when you had to betray your beloved father figure. Here’s to hoping for a better Season 6, Juicey.
NEXT: Middle school problems3. The “My Crush Doesn’t Like Me Back” Crier: Eponine (Samantha Barks), Les Misérables
Girl, we need to have a chat. It happens to the best of us — you see a cute guy, he seems pretty damn perfect, then he falls for the cute perky blonde. It sucks. But you know what? Marius ain’t all that great. He has a weird habit of singing to empty chairs at empty tables, and he chose to like freaking COSETTE over you. (Cosette, for all of you non-book readers, spends chapters staring at her mirror, thinking about how pretty she is. Really.) You’re gorgeous, you’re brave, you have an amazing singing voice, and there are a ton of hot French dudes who would be more than happy to date you. Stop focusing on that “heart full of love” pretty boy and go to town! You’re young!
NEXT: Someone who fell in with the wrong crowd 2. The “My Life Legitimately Sucks” Crier: Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul), Breaking Bad
Like Juice, you could easily argue that Jesse deserves everything he gets, because he chose “the life.” But Jesse (unlike Juice) is being played by the best manipulator on TV, Walter White (Bryan Cranston, if you live under a rock). He started out as a dumb but relatively innocent kid who wanted to make some cash, but now he’s completely stuck with this madman, who has let Jesse believe that he was responsible for poisoning a child. (He wasn’t.) Jesse still tortures himself for this, and has overcome a terrible drug addiction and horrible family issues only to be continuously manipulated by Walt, who really has no concern for Jesse’s well-being. He tried his best to make an exit this year, but with Walt in the picture, a happy ending for poor Jesse doesn’t seem likely.
NEXT: The undeniable MVP 1. The Muhammad Ali of Ugly Crying: Carrie Matheson (Claire Danes), Homeland
Come on, was there ever any doubt? Claire Danes took ugly crying and turned it into an Emmy award-winning art form. Her character’s bipolar disorder and chaotic lifestyle does give her a lot to cry about, but this one is truly a special case. It will go down in the TV ugly crying history books for sure.
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
[PHOTO CREDIT: AMC; Showtime; MTV; Universal Pictures; FX]
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