What Would A Celebrity Do For A Billion Dollars?

Dr. EvilI don’t think most people realize just how much a billion dollars is and in comparison how poor most celebrities are. For example, you’d have to star in 50 movies and get paid a record $20 million to be a billionaire. Another example, in Arthur Russell Brand plays the son of a billionaire and his inheritance is in question when he refuses to marry Jennifer Garner. Now I would marry Jennifer Garner in a heartbeat for a billion dollars. Hell, I’d settle for a Big Mac and a Sprite. But there are some things I absolutely wouldn’t do for a billion (like cheer for Duke). But that got me thinking, what would our lovely celebrities do for a billion dollars? Well, we sent out our little reporter gad-flies and asked some celebrities what they would do for a billion dollars (we’re direct like that). There answers were thoughtful, humorous, insightful, and sometimes a little creepy but it goes to show that some people will go to any lengths for a buck. Well, a billion bucks, but same thing.

James Franco – After putting down a tome of Old English baking recipes slash poetry, a brief sparkle appears in his eyes before saying, “Hmm, I’d probably sit still for an hour. Can I write a thesis on this?”

Christopher Nolan: “I’d direct Alvin and the Chipmunks the Threesqueequel but only if it can kill off Alvin in the third act. And there’s a giant speed boat chase that takes place IN YOUR DREAMS.”

George Lucas: “I wouldn’t rape Star Wars again. JK! I’m already a billionaire! Suck it nerds! Star Wars 3D coming soon!” Skips off into the night yelling something that sounds like Jar-Jar over and over.

Hayden Panettiere: In a picket line protesting dolphin poaching cruelty, “I would slit a dolphin’s throat.” Her fellow protesters turn on her and make fun of her tattoos.

Charlie Sheen: “I already starred in the worst fucking TV show in history and I’m not even close to a billion. DAMN. Wait, how much Sheen could a billion dollars buy?” He runs off to find a calculator and a sword. What the sword is for, no one knows.

Kim Kardashian – “I would endorse anything for that kind of money. Oh, no ones asking me to endorse anything? Fine, I guess I’ll make another sex tape. But again, NO AERIAL SHOTS!”

Mark Zuckerberg – “That’s not cool. You know what is cool? TAKING OVER THE INTERNET.” He tosses a lighter into a giant stack of money, “Good lunch break.”

Paris Hilton – Sniffs, “I wouldn’t do coke for a week. Ok, 6 days. No, five. Yeah, I could probably do five.”

Britney Spears – “Not make my own decisions.” -issued through a publicist.

Conan O’Brien – “I guess I’d perform one of Leno’s monologues.” He pulls out a rubber chin. “Oh, this was rhetorical? Crap.”

Tyler Perry – Emerges from a bathtub of money, “How about I give you a billion dollars for an Oscar?”

Jaleel White – ” *sigh* Did I do thaaaaat?” Another chunk of his soul dies.

Matthew McConaughey – He puts down the bongos, never bothering to cover his exposed nether-region, “Wear a shirt, bro. A button-down shirt. With all the buttons.”

Paula Deen – “I would give up butter” she says while licking butter off a spoon. She was mixing a bowl of sugar and butter.

Richard Gere – A single tear falls on his cheek, “I’d make all those rumors true and stick a hamster up my pooper.” He goes off into his daughter’s room. A child’s scream is heard through the locked doors.

Tyler, The Creator – After stopping running around the studio, he thinks and says “Wipe My Ass.”

Gary Busey –  *bites head off a goat* “What was the question?”

Brooklyn Decker – “I would get a breast reduction surgery.”