Let’s talk turkey. Actually, let’s skip the turkey. Everyone likes turkey. It’s like the hero of Thanksgiving. If everything on your Thanksgiving table was a superhero, the turkey would be Superman. It’s powerful, it’s kinda bland, and you can’t make any sort of gathering without it (except the Avengers, but whatever).
But what about the sides? There are all these different dishes that everyone expects to see on the third Thursday in November and only some of them are actually any good. Of those there is one that you love. There is one that everyone loves, but they only get it once a year. So here is what your favorite Thanksgiving side dish says about you.
There was one time in grammar school when you tried to sell the most candy in the class to win a trip to Disney World but then you got distracted by a marathon of Small Wonder on TV and the only candy you sold was to your grandmother who bought two boxes of M&Ms which she kept in her cupboard but would never let you eat no matter how many times you asked. You never really got over that. Stupid Vicki.
I’m not saying that you’re crazy, but whenever someone tells you about a conspiracy theory you think to yourself, “Wow, that really could be true!” You don’t go around filling people in about how the fires on 9/11 weren’t hot enough to melt the buildings or anything, but you spend a lot of time on Wikipedia and the darker corners of the internet looking them up. You have a Reddit log in and Doomsday Preppers recording on your DVR. You just got a promotion at your job and you don’t have to wear a name tag anymore. Congrats!
Green Bean Casserole
Saying that your family is white trash would be mean, but there is at least one person at your Thanksgiving day gathering that has lived for more than a week in a trailer. That person is not a movie star. But you’ve risen about it! You’ve gone to college and moved to a big city and you sit around with your friends and talk about the crazy gross things that your family does and you eat dishes like this “ironically” like you’re making fun of people who like casserole, but you love a casserole. You love it as much as you love your bike, buying things on Etsy, and anything with the word “artisinal” attached to it. You have debilitating cravings for cheese from a can.
Things are going to be really rough at your aunt’s house this year considering her martial troubles. Actually, there is a lot of divorce in your family. And drinking. More drinking than divorce, but considering how much you guys drink, that’s not surprising. You have at least two pairs of novelty underwear and one of them is St. Patrick’s Day themed. The last time you went on vacation you blacked out and don’t remember much of it. Somehow you came home and found anal beads in your luggage. Lucky you.
It’s a shame what happened in your last relationship, it really is, and everyone is glad that you got the help you needed. Things haven’t really been the same since you got out of the hospital, have they? Well, you’re working again. Yes, I know it’s not the job you were hoping for, but it’s a start, right? Pretty soon you won’t be on probation anymore and you’ve been passing your drug tests for months. Now, if you can only get that tattoo removed. Oh, sorry to bring it up. Here, have another piece of pie. That will make you feel all better. There, there.
You need to go to the gym. Like now.
You are what we like to call a “Dorititarian.” Yes, you’re the kind of person who pretends to be all healthy and vegetarian so you don’t eat meat, all you eat is chips. And you’re like, “Oh, I’ll get sweet potato fries, they’re healthy,” and then you polish off the whole plate and all the fat they were still fried in and wonder why you don’t have the same body as Adrianna Lima. You’re not healthy. You’re not healthy at all. And stop drinking Diet Coke before you grow a third eye.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: NBC; iStockPhoto (7)]