Rule #9: Cyborgs should only come in two types of Beautiful People mechanical models: Hunky (not clunky) male and slinky (not creaky) female.
The Proof: Terminator Salvation's part-man/part-machine Sam Worthington and the original fembot Jamie Summers of The Bionic Woman. (Variance from these stock models can unfortunately veer into Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man land.)
Rule #10: Crime and Punishment is a must in moviedom for becoming a drug mule and carrying contraband across the border for someone else. Translation: being a mule makes you an ass.
The Proof: Burst balloon of heroin in Maria Full of Grace or the unroyal treatment of Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale at Thailand's Brokedown Palace for smuggling.
Rule #11: Foreign relations really means "relations" when traveling abroad to France.
The Proof: A student in Paris learns the language of love from Eva Green in The Dreamers, Marlon Brando butters up Maria Schneider in Last Tango in Paris and Anne Hathaway unwears Prada while bedding Simon Baker during Paris Fashion Week during The Devil Wears Prada.
Rule #12: Sex-crazed hot-mess female stalker types usually have a softer maternal side.... granted, it normally appears right before they try and kill the real mommy.
The Proof: Larter cooing at the offspring of Beyonce and Idris Elba in Obsessed or Rebecca De Mornay as the nihilistic nanny The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.
Rule #13: In a body-switching movie, it's best to have two Beautiful People switching spots — not just one.
The Proof: We'll take Zac Efron and Matthew Perry in 17 Again over Rob Schneider and Rachel McAdams in The Hot Chick any day.
Rule #14: On the small screen, losery dudes will have no problem landing a Beautiful Person as a wife. Real men: This is not true in real life — so get a job and hit the gym.
The Proof: Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith in According to Jim, Kevin James and Leah Remini on the King of Queens … hell, even Carol was outta the league of Mike Brady.
Rule #15: At the very least, the educational system in the United States appears to be set up so every high school student can learn how to smoke a joint. No child left behind!
The Proof: Group smokefests in The Breakfast Club, Dazed and Confused and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Rule #16: Even when Johnny Depp isn't in movies about drugs (Blow, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, ahem, are), his characters must appear to be on drugs.
The Proof: The glue-sniffing affectations of Capt. Jack Sparrow, the valium glazed look of Willy Wonka or the coked-out paranoia of writer Mort Rainey in Secret Window.
KEEP READING: Horizontal mambo, nerdgasms!