You've heard it: Sex sells. Drugs and beautiful people do, too, so long as you abide by the following 25 cinematic rules ...
Rule #1: A Beautiful Person knows food isn't best used as sustenance but for seduction.
The Proof: Whipped cream goes to the hips of Varsity Blues' Ali Larter in the best way possible or Mickey Rourke feeding a schmorgesbord of fridge items to Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks.
Rule #2: Romance between an old fogie and a younger lass? Creepy. (Witness: Richard Gere and Winona Ryder in Autumn in New York or Harrison Ford in … everything.) But! Luscious ladies with life experience plus young lads? Steamy.
The Proof: Take the Susan Sarandon twofer: White Palace with James Spader and Bull Durham with Tim Robbins or Stella getting' her Groove Back with Taye Diggs.
Rule #3: Beautiful People are better actors when they fugly up their pretty looks.
The Proof: Charlize Theron's mannish Oscar win for Monster or Brad Pitt's twitchy turn as a bug-eyed nutter in Twelve Monkeys.
Rule #4: We're all for equality between the sexes, but dudes pulling the Full Monty are either funny, scary or frightening — not attractive.
The Proof: Jason Segel's in-the-buff breakup for Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Harvey Keitel dropping trou in Bad Lieutenant and Philip Seymour Hoffman bumping uglies with Marisa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.
Rule #5: Horny + desolate woods = death.
The Proof: Um … every Friday the 13th.
Rule #6: Aliens in human form are experts at getting some Earthling nookie.
The Proof: Natasha Henstridge boinking Alfred Molina in Species or Jeff Goldblum wooing and wowing Geena Davis in Earth Girls Are Easy. Heck, even Garry Shandling got some from Annette Bening in What Planet Are You From?
Rule #7: Rehab as entertainment is such a downer, the audience deserves a drink after viewing.
The Proof: Clean & Sober, 28 Days, VH1's Celebrity Rehab.
Rule #8: Celluloid sex makes any location that would be real-life uncomfortable a sensuous and seductive destination.
The Proof: The O-line subway train for Risky Business' Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay, the true grit beach smooches from Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity or the stairway to heaven coupling of Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello in A History of Violence.
KEEP READING: Cyborgs, stalkers, smokin' joints!