An Archers Guide To Film
Robin Hood is upon us! Ridley Scott's vision of the notorious, if fictional, English outlaw is all set to rob we rich theater patrons and give to the poor movie studio this weekend. There were many lists I could have constructed in honor of this release, but I find myself hindered by two major obstacles: the trailers have done little to ignite my enthusiasm; and I am not the world's biggest Russell Crowe fan. So, short of waxing poetic about the Disney animated animal version, I found it best to deconstruct the familiar attributes of Robin Hood, and the one that stood out to me as most universal was his adeptness with the bow-and-arrow. If, like Robin, you find yourself handy with a longbow, here are a few cinematic colleagues from whose experiences you can surely benefit.
Legolas - The Lord of the Rings
The most obvious choice? Sure! But Legolas, played by Orlando Bloom, certainly left his mark on many an orc in the trilogy's various epic battle scenes. I think my favorite display of his archery prowess would have to be during the Helm’s Deep siege in The Two Towers. There is literally a moment where he pulls two arrows from his quiver, stabs out the eyes of the nearest enemy, retrieves the arrows from said ocular cavities, and fires the arrows into the hearts of two more foes. Are you freaking kidding me? That's badass-and-a-half and totally makes up for the fact that the Orlando looks like Powder at a Renaissance Fair.
Lesson for Archers: Work solo. Half-ling sidekicks interfere with your deadly accuracy and your time to glow with heavenly luminance each time the camera hits you.
Guinevere - King Arthur
There have been scores of movies about King Arthur, but none that portrayed him quite as young and sexy as in the 2004 Antoine Fuqua film. The feud between Arthur and Lancelot also becomes far more tangible when Guinevere, the object of their quarrel, is a smoking hot Keira Knightley. But in addition to providing feudal eye candy, Knightley's Guinevere happens to be able to hold her own against all of the men in the film with regard to ass-kicking and name-taking. Her propensity for bullseyes is nothing short of legendary. Her best moment has to be when, right before an epic battle, she turns to a young soldier cowering at the sight of the opposing army and assures him, "Don't worry; I won't let them rape you."
Lesson for Archers: Do not underestimate your female counterparts. Not only will they out shine you, but also they know where to aim the arrow so that it really leaves an impression.
Rambo - Rambo: First Blood Part II
It would be metaphysically impossible to construct such a list without mentioning the world's most lethal nature enthusiast: John Rambo. When the police department of that jerkwater town in Oregon decided that they didn't want drifter Rambo in their town, they started a war for which they were sorely unprepared. Now, recently released from prison and let loose on Vietnam, Rambo isn’t just out to save a few POWs but to put an arrow right into the heart of communism. The scene where he puts an arrow perfectly between the eyes of a Vietnamese soldier … amazing!
Lesson for Archers: Take the time to slowly don your headband and other kill-crazed accessories. If you are anything like Rambo, the fans will eat it up. Baby oil on the biceps apparently doesn’t hurt either.
Park Nam-Joo - The Host
The Host is one of my favorite Korean films of all time, and coming from a gluttonous consumer of Asian cinema, that is no slight praise. It is a monster movie whose requisite scares and carnage are outdone only by its immense heart. I can honestly say that I would have no idea what I would do if a giant river monster abducted a member of my family, but I can't imagine it would be anything as heroic and heart-warming as the reaction by the family in The Host. They pool their idiosyncratic resources like they're in a guys-on-a-mission film and hunt the beast. It doesn't hurt their cause that the abducted girl’s aunt is a world-renowned archery champion. Her long-range, fiery dispatch of the slimy creature is all kinds of cool and her nonchalant stroll away makes it exponentially cooler.
Lesson for Archers: Start hunting and sniping scientists now before they pour copious amounts of expired formaldehyde into the water supply.
Frank Castle/The Punisher - The Punisher
As much as I like the character, and as much as I enjoy the hell out of Punisher: War Zone, there is something unsalvageable about the 2004 Thomas Jane version. But what makes him the perfect candidate for this list is that the Punisher’s tenacity for spilling blood is not confined to mere firearms. During his final siege of the stronghold of villain Howard Saint, the skull-branded antihero displays some serious chops with a bow as he puts down baddie after baddie. The big payoff has to be the arrow that goes playfully through a sentry’s neck. “Take that,” grumbles a phoning-it-in-for-the-paycheck Jane.
Lesson for Archers: While it is true that a bow-and-arrow provides the perfect instrument for a stealthy infiltration, the effect is somewhat negated if you are constantly followed by easily the worst score in comic book film history. Aim for the orchestra conductor.