Nooo! Pokemon Sex Toys Exist And We Can’t Handle It

pokemoan
WENN

Who knew choosing your first sex toy could be the same as choosing your first Pokemon? Geeky Sex Toys has taken the classic starting Pokemon (Squirtle, Charmander, Bulbasaur and Pikachu) and transformed them into really weird, completely inappropriate adult toys.

The line of sex toys, aptly named Pokemoan, has four different types of toys with equally cheeky names. The product descriptions from Geeky Sex Toys kind of makes us wish all of this would stop. Pokemon porn is one thing. That lives on the Internet which is a dark place with all kinds of weird stuff. This is a product you can bring into your home. It’s too real. This is why we can’t have nice things.

In case you’re the type of person who wants to watch the world burn and ruin fond childhood memories, let’s take a look at their line.

Bulby (a Bulbasaur-themed toy)

Apparently the “large seed tip” on this Pokemoan makes it a “very pleasurable friend to have.” Vomit.

bulbasaur toy
WENN

Squirty (a Squirtle-themed toy)

This one’s name is pretty “self explanatory” according to Geeky Sex Toy. Come on.

Untitsquirtleled-3
WENN

Charmy (a Charmander-themed sex toy)

Apparently, this is a “slightly thinner, fire type Pokémoan with a flaming tail.” All of this is so wrong.

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WENN

Piky (a Pikachu-themed toy)

This one is for everyone who’s ever wanted to have a tail like Pikachu. Yeah, guess where you put that.

pikachu
WENN

The toys retail at $50 a piece and $199 for all four. 

Basically, to sum up our feelings:

squirtle
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