Almost Reel: Bold Predictions for 2002!

This week brings a special edition of Almost Reel, as Noah Davis looks into his (cracked) crystal ball and makes 20 BOLD PREDICTIONS for the entertainment world in the upcoming year, some of which might actually come true!

Why 20, you ask? Twenty is a nice round number; it just sounds important, authoritative even. And using a round number is a savvy marketing move. Would the 11 commandments command immediate respect? We didn’t think so. Just think of Noah’s predictions as doubly important as the 10 commandments–he does.

Plus, he couldn’t come up with 21. Without further ado, here are Noah’s 20 bold predictions for 2002:

1. Next Hollywood couple to split: (tie) Tom Cruise & Penelope Cruz; Disney & Pixar

2. Next Hollywood couple to tie the knot: (tie) Freddie Prinze Jr.& Sarah Michelle Gellar; Steven Spielberg & Tom Hanks

3. Next Hollywood actress to pull a “Zellweger” (gain 20 pounds or more for a role in a wasted attempt to gain credibility as an actress): Angelina Jolie

4. Next Hollywood actress to pull a “Kidman” (do all her own singing in a musical in a wasted attempt to gain credibility as an actress): Renee Zellweger

5. Next Hollywood fashion trend: platinum FUBU “Harry Potter” gear

6. Next Hollywood actor to pull a “Crowe” (win an undeserved Oscar): Kevin Spacey, The Shipping News

7. Next Hollywood actress to pull a “Tomei” (win an undeserved Oscar): Halle Berry, Monster’s Ball

8. Next Hollywood movie to pull a “Bandits” (have at least one major Hollywood star and pull in less than $50 million, despite spending more than that on its national marketing campaign): Collateral Damage

9. Next Hollywood movie to pull a “The Fast and the Furious” (fly in under the radar and scoop up more than $100 million in box office grosses): Deuces Wild

10. Next “Vin Diesel” (young actor making $10 million a flick after just a few films): Stephen Dorff

11. Next “Gwyneth Paltrow” (Hollywood kin to make it big, real big): Colin Hanks (Tom Hanks)

12. Next fantasy saga to be made into an epic Hollywood movie series, all at one time: C.S. Lewis’ Narnia serial

13. Next comic book hero (after Spidey) to hit the big screen: Aquaman

14. Next Hollywood actor in a mildly embarrassing fashion ad: Dan Aykroyd. Um, er, scratch that. George Clooney.

15. Next ER doctor to leave the show: Dr. Susan Lewis/Sherry Stringfield (again).

16. Next Friends character to get pregnant: Joey–no, Phoebe! (again).

17. Next year’s best TV show: The Sopranos (again).

Note: Those TV show previews are sure full of reruns. We hate reruns.

18. Next Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (OK, that was an easy one).

19. Next rapper to pull a “Snoop Dogg” (fail miserably at acting): Eminem. (Another easy one.)

20. Next year’s best war movie: We Were Soldiers.

That’s all, folks. Don’t forget to check this space again next year, when we see how many Noah got right!