Comedy Central’s Roast: Pamela Anderson

It’s official: Pamela Anderson‘s so damn hot, she’s roasted.

OK, actually Pam‘s roast-ability has less to do with her God-given (with an sharp assist from the scalpel) smokin’ hotness than it does with the fact that Comedy Central chose her as the first-ever female recipient of the cable net’s sharp-tongued Roasts (in the tradition of the old school Friars’ Club Roasts and the Dean Martin TV specials they inspired in the 70s). The cabler has enlisted Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Corolla, Andy Dick, Jeffrey Ross, Sarah Silverman and a crack team of stand-up comics and close pals of the Stacked star to do the honors of raking her over the coals.

Of course, it didn’t hurt that Comedy Central also made a donation to Pam‘s favorite charity, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, in order to get the blonde bombshell on the dais. She doesn’t want to see any animals get roasted, but she was willing to get grilled herself.

I caught up with Pam just before the show as she sashayed down the red carpet in a flouncy Yves St. Laurent skirt, sky-high Christian Louboutin stilettos to match her sky-high hair, and a sheer black James Perse top that offered a clear, see-thru view of the awe-inspiring assets she knew all of the comics would be talking about. Perhaps she was hoping the Pam-oramic view would soften the roaster’s sharp tongues. She told me she was far from thick-skinned but hoped she was tough enough to take the slings and arrows aimed at her. After all, she admitted, she’s been asking for it.

“I’m a nice little Canadian girl [but] I’ve put myself into situations,” Pam told me. “Look who I’ve dated! This is nothing! You don’t think I’ve heard worse? Check my Blackberry!”

When I asked which roaster made her the most nervous, she didn’t miss a beat: “All of them!” But she was even more atwitter about “my death-defying entrance. You’ll see.”

I was all set to ask about the status of her recently debunked plans to remarry her ex, Tommy Lee (who was on hand to roast his wife and perform–i.e. lipsync–a song from his new album; another ex beau, model Marcus Shenkenberg also attended), but I have to admit, I was more curious about the brand new date Pam had on her arm: a six-foot-tall carrot. “This is my carrot,” said Pam as she introduced me. “I’ve dated so many animals, now I’m dating vegetables. I’m moving up. They’re much nicer and they’re the perfect shape for a date.”

At which point both the carrot and I were rendered speechless.

I asked host Jimmy Kimmel why Anderson was the ideal choice to become the first female roast-ee of the new generation–joining an elite group including Chevy Chase, Hugh Hefner, Drew Carey, Jeff Foxworthy, Denis Leary, Rob Reiner and Jerry Stiller. “Because she’s got a million different things to make fun of: the implants, the blond hair and Baywatch and VIP–she’s got a career chock full of crap,” grinned Kimmel. “I think I’ve got some stuff that will break new ground in boob jokes.”

Rushing to Pamela‘s defense was the still-svelte, still-TrimSpa-popping ex-Playmate Anna Nicole Smith. “She has a really good sense of humor and she’s bubbly,” offered Anna, in a far less slurry version of her baby-voice than the one she used on her old E! show. “People make fun of her and she doesn’t care. I like that about her.” Anna Nicole, who cavorted on the red carpet with a towering transvestite named Lady Bunny, offered Pam some advice, knowing that as part of the celebrity audience she’d be wearing a target, too: “Laugh it off. You just have to laugh about it.”

That wasn’t a problem. Comedy Central assembled one of the more amusing assemblages of the Hollywood freak show circuit. They included Smith, Dennis Rodman, Courtney Love, Charo, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis and his date Kimberly Stewart. There was Anderson‘s Stacked co-stars–Christopher Lloyd, Marissa Jarrett Winouker and the surprisingly witty roaster Elon Gold. And, of course, a roster of raunch-friendly comics–Kimmel, Corolla, Silverman, Ross (in a PETA-deying fur coat made of “100% puppies”), Eddie Griffin, Nick DiPaolo, Greg Giraldo and Lisa Lampanelli–who were unafraid to go anywhere. They all assembled in a Sony Studios soundstage converted into a hip “supper club” environment with tables of industry insiders (including me, natch) and bleachers full of fans, populated by a wealth of cleavage-baring FoPs (Fans of Pam’s). The celebs carousing on a raised stage resembled a white cocktail lounge, complete with bar, waitresses, ashtrays for smoking, and fluffy white sofas.

The scene was made complete when Pam finally made the “death-defying entrance” she’d teased me with, lowered from the heavens perched on a shiny silver swing not unlike the one she kept in the bedroom when she was married to Lee–well, the one I imagined in my head, at least, only with Pam wearing more.

What followed was a raunchy, rapid-fire full-frontal assault on the myth and magic of Pam, with topics including the size of Pam‘s breasts (and other less-mentionable body parts), Kid Rock, David Hasselhoff, Canada, Pam‘s acting ability, Hugh Hefner, Scott Baio, the size of Pam‘s breasts, Brett Michaels, that legendary home video, Tommy Lee’s legendary length, Hepatitis C and, oh yeah, the size of Pam‘s breasts. One of the more printable comments, from Nick DiPaolo: “Pam, you’re America’s Sweetheart. Yeah, you were born in Canada, but your implants were made in America, and that’s good enough.”

And then there’s Maude.

The iconic actress Bea Arthur of Golden Girls and Maude fame and frequent recipient of Jeff Ross‘ most stinging one-liners (he later amended the origin of his fur coat, saying that he’s shaved Bea’s back) nearly stole the show with her dramatic reading of some of the saucier passages from Pam‘s seemingly autobiographical tome Star Struck: A Novel. Indeed, no one laughed harder at Bea’s deftly delivered lines than Anderson herself. The only thing that elicited more shrieks from Pam–but not the good kind–was Andy Dick‘s performance as her longtime plastic surgeon, complete with a vigorous hands-on rub-down of what he claimed was his masterpiece…or masterpieces, I suppose. Surprisingly, she called for Tommy Lee to protect her, then thought better of it.

In the end, Pamela took good-natured verbal revenge on her tormentors. Which I guess would be a perfect example of tit for tat.

Comedy Central’s Roast: Pamela Anderson airs Sunday, Aug. 14 at 10:00 pm EST.