Lamb of God star Randy Blythe burns penis in driving accident

Lamb Of God star Randy Blythe is recovering after scolding his manhood with hot black coffee. The heavy rocker feared he had done lasting damage while resting his coffee cup between his legs while driving, when the lid came loose and “liquid caffeinated FIRE” covered his genitals.
He recounted the accident in a post on his page last week (ends13Jun14), revealing, “I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try and make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself.
“I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control and started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice.”
He finished his painful tale by urging fans to have a laugh at his expense, revealing, “everyone else I’ve told did, including my wife.”
Posting an update on Wednesday (18Jun14), Blythe added, “I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but here is an update on the condition of my penis: HE IS 100% RECOVERED AND FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, so scabbing, no PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). He’s good to go.
“I suppose it took a while (like a week) for the metal ‘news’ sites to pick up this obviously very important story in the world of heavy metal, but they did… all I did was dump hot coffee on my unit… Now I am getting texts from my friends saying things like, ‘Ouch! Are you OK?’ or ‘I’m really, really, sorry about The Captain, dude’.
“While the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it’s not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something… My dude was a little sore for two days – that’s it.”
Blythe adds, “I am VERY careful with coffee in the car now, always using the cup holder.”