TAB TOP 10: When the Hero Takes a Fall

Christopher Reeve just can’t catch a break these days. Except, that is, when he’s breaking his leg.

The paraplegic “Superman” star fell and severely broke his left leg last week while undergoing physical therapy aimed at enabling him to walk again. He was rushed into surgery and then spent five days hospitalized.

It’s not the kind of scandal-fueld story that we usually cull from the weekly tabloids, but we felt Reeve‘s plight and his brave battle against the odds were worth noting.

Now, on to the juicy stuff from this week’s supermarket journalism offerings:

1. “Mooing Saves Andy Williams‘ Voice” (Globe, p. 22) What a drag it is gettin’ old. Crooner Andy Williams reveals the secret behind his new musical comeback. He gets his vocal cords in shape by making cow noises. “I do a little exercise now. I do some ‘moo, moo.’ It sort of brings your throat back, your voice back.” As for us, we prefer clucking like roosters.

2. “Tony Nose Melons” (Globe, p. 10) Somebody snapped off a few good photographs of Tony Randall sniffing honeydew in a New York supermarket. At least he wasn’t sniffing someone else’s melons.

3. “Anne Heche Is Not Gay! (Globe, p. 7) Gentlemen, start your engines.

4. Celebrity Classmates: Micky Dolenz, the Monkee Who Bit Me in School” (Enquirer, p. 14) Celebrity biting stories are a rare treat. This guy says Mickey Dolenz bit him on the forearm. “I let out a piercing scream, but Micky just laughed and ran away.” Well, duh. What would you do?

5. “First Love: Al Gore Broke My Heart” (Star, p. 8) “I guess I had about a 50-50 shot at being first lady if things had worked out differently,” says Vice President Al Gore’s high school sweetie, Donna Armistead. We’re just wondering: If she were first lady, would she still wear that big college football T-shirt?

6. “Vegas Stars’ Mansion is the Cats’ Meow!” (Star, p. 37) Circus freaks, er, showmen Sigfried and Roy party in their pool at the “jungle palace” with the famous white tigers. Funny, they’re not even referred to as “male companions.” This is a tabloid story? “My cats are the love affair in my life,” says Roy.

7. “Movie Legend’s Luxury Love Nest” (Star, p. 44) Who says Burt Reynolds is a movie legend? The director of “Gator?” Who says Reynolds has good taste in interior decorating? The sales manager at the local Levitz?

8. “King of the Hill: Elvis Appears on Scottish Mountain” (Examiner, p. 11) First crop circles, now this. Those aliens are really screwing with our minds down here.

9. “Godzilla Trashes Film Set” (Examiner, p. 17) You can tell it’s a slow week for trashy news when a major tab runs a story about the filming of the latest Godzilla movie in Japan. What’s next, “Teletubbies” updates?

10. “The Little Old Lady Ran $12 Million Sex Shop Empire” (Examiner, p. 31) Would you buy sex from a woman who could be your grandmother? Come on now, fess up.

(Tab Top 10 is’s weekly roundup of the best and worst and weirdest from the tabloid newspapers.)