What would the supermarket tabloids do without Whitney and Bobby? The National Enquirer’s ace investigative reporters have gone to great lengths to obtain exclusive photos of the R&B power couple’s alleged “drug den,” a hotel suite the pair rented for two days (while their daughter stayed in an adjacent suite).
And here’s what the Enquirer reportedly found: remnants of marijuana, rolling papers, an empty Jack Daniels bottle, 16 empty Budweiser bottles, baking soda and a spoon.
After which, the Enquirer explained the process involved in freebasing cocaine (the implication being … well, you get the drift).
And, for readers who don’t like to read, the tabloid has conveniently captured the alleged drug den artifacts in one color photo, displayed prominently in the article.
Had enough? If not, here’s our Tabloid Top 10 for the week of Aug. 22-28:
1. “Natalie Cole Shocker: I Sold My Body to Buy Drugs” (Enquirer, p. 8) So says one “insider” who has read the advance manuscript to the singer’s autobiography “Angel Dust,” er, that’s “Angel on my Shoulder.”
2. “Ted Kennedy Followed Me to the Bathroom!” (Star, p. 24) Teddy Kennedy reportedly was so “smitten” with a 23-year-old ex-intern that she had to “lock herself in the ladies’ restroom to get away from him.” There are photos of a portly Ted, the buxom ex-intern and a panoramic shot of the White House.
3. “I Delivered My Own baby — By C-Section” (Enquirer, p. 18) No, we are not talking about Madonna, but an Oldham, England, woman who performed the headline deed in what the tab christened “the first do-it-yourself Cesarean section.”
4. “‘Empty Nest’ Star’s Brave Last Days” (Enquirer, p. 29) Sexagenarian sitcom actor Richard Mulligan is reportedly dying of colon cancer, and his porn star wife is nowhere in sight. Nothing funny here, but it’s cool to see that ol’ Bert from “Soap” is still kicking.
5. “Lost Continent of Atlantis Found 1,200 Feet Below Antarctica” (Weekly World News, p. 15) We picked this one for the artist’s illustration, which looks exactly like the buried city of Pompeii, only covered in snow. Very imaginative, guys.
6. “Seer Says the Winner Is … Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” And so does half of the free world who watches “Survivor.”
Gallagher 7. “Gallagher Gets Last Laugh As He Smashes Look-Alike Brother’s Career” (Enquirer, p. 1.) The watermelon-smashing guy uses the law to stop his younger bro from stealing his signature schtick. Note the eerie similarity between this story and the “Simpsons” episode where Sideshow Bob’s younger brother, Cecil, tried to take over his act on the “Krusty the Clown Show.”
8. “Ever Feel Like Running Over Somebody?” (Weekly World News, p. 33) “Well, you can mow down pedestrians like flies in Brazil, and not a damn thing will happen to you!” Yeah, but gas costs $27 a gallon there.
9. “Sleeping on the Job Is Good For You” (Weekly World News, p. 11) We knew that.
10. “Revealed! Secrets of Real Mrs. Robinson” (Globe, p. 64) “The Graduate” author Charles Webb reportedly said that the diva character is based on his prep school teacher. Except for the fact tat his teacher looks like an old school marm, while Anne Bancroft was hot.
Hollywood.com’s Tabloid Top 10 is a weekly rundown of the best, worst and weirdest from America’s supermarket journalism.