TAB WATCH: Meg, Dennis and Russell

Want to know what those ubiquitous “sources” and “insiders” have to say about the Meg RyanRussell Crowe “affair”? How about Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera or Roseanne? Well, not to sound too much like a TV commercial for the National Enquirer or anything, we got all the so-called scoops and gossip courtesy of the world of tabloid news.

So without further ado, here’re the Top 10 tabloid stories that whetted our curiosity:

1. Whassup with Meg, Dennis and Russell Nothing new since last week at least. The major tabs (Star, the National Enquirer, the Globe) all report this week what was already reported last week. Yes, Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan have separated. And, yes, Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe have been spotted together in a more-than-just-friends manner more than once in England, where the two are currently shooting the flick “Proof of Love.”

2. Porn Industry Discriminates Against Roseanne? The National Enquirer says that former domestic goddess Roseanne had offered herself up for a Playboy centerfold, only to get turned down by the magazine’s owner, Hugh Hefner. Peeved, the actress reportedly challenged Hefner to put a poll up on the Playboy Web site and let his readers decide. (We called the Playboy folks today, and they told us that the whole thing is just “a fun, little made-up story.”)

3. Oprah Has Problems, Too! The Star says that the queen of all talk show hosts has been carrying on an affair with another man behind fiancé Stedman Graham’s back for 24 years. The tab reveals the identity of the man whom Oprah’s heart truly belongs to: one Lloyd Dramer, a reporter she met in 1976 at a TV station in Baltimore.

4. Britney Spears: Teen Superstar, Teen Bitch? An “insider” tells the Star that the 18-year-old pop princess insisted on traveling with a snow cone machine, an air hockey table and her own tanning bed on her tour. Moreover, Spears reportedly made some poor wage earner take out all the cereal from four boxes of Lucky Charms so that the she can wholeheartedly indulge in the pink hearts, yellow moons and green clover marshmallow crumbs.

5. Steve Allen Confesses: Christina Aguilera — She’s Hot! Thus is the original “Tonight Show” host’s sentiments as summarized in the Enquirer. After catching a glimpse of the songstress’s video “What a Girl Wants,” the veteran TV personality was quoted as saying: (a) “The young girl is beautiful” and (b) “As regards to dancing like this, my rating is 100 percent. I can give it all sorts of marks of A-plus.”

6. Christina Aguilera Confesses: I See White Light, Dead People Per the National Enquirer, Aguilera possesses the rare ability to see otherworldly stuff like, y’know, ghosts and spirits. According to the tab’s unnamed source, the 19-year-old singer had her first spectral encounter was she was 3 or 4 and can still sense their presence ’til this day.

7. Six Degrees of Royal Highness According to genealogy researchers excavated by the Enquirer, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll Elvis Presley carried the royal blood of King Edward III. It’s a bit confusing, but here’s what the “experts” are saying: The pompadour singer’s ancestors were the wealthy Mansels family in Wales. One of the Mansels later married a descendent of King Edward III, thus making Elvis of royal lineage. But the experts remained mute as to how they were able to establish the initial connection between Elvis and the Mansels.

8. FBI Agent Gary Busey? Actor/motorcycle helmet advocate Gary Busey reportedly told the Globe that he has been enlisted by the FBI on a project to help American Indians and that he has a special agent badge issued by the Feds to prove it. When approached by the tab on the matter, the FBI said Busey’s account just wasn’t so.

9. Handicapped Feline Learns to Walk Again A classic testament of triumph over adversity, the Enquirer this week brings us the true story of Claire the injured stray kitten, who, despite her paralyzed hind legs, has learned to walk with the help of rehab. A miracle indeed.

10. John Travolta Looking Funny on Magazine Cover A tip from the National Enquirer: If you want to laugh, go look at the cover of the July issue of Good Housekeeping. On it is a funny-looking John Travolta, whose new hairdo is being slammed by “industry insiders” as an odd mix of Eddie Munster and Dr. Zira from “The Planet of the Apes.”