The $1 Million Wedding

They’ve finally done it. Sheriff’s deputies confirmed at 7 p.m. PDT today that Hollywood super couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston exchanged wedding vows.

And was there. Sort of.

Security efforts for the event, to put it mildly, were tight. Sheriff’s deputies shut down part of the busy Pacific Coast Highway to make sure guests and caterers could enter and exit smoothly. The wedding compound was fenced off from the street and masked by huge black tarps.

The reception took place inside a huge white tent overlooking the surf, preventing cameramen perched on nearby bluffs from snapping pictures of the celeb guests from afar, and the air space overhead was closed to helicopters with cameramen.

In other words, Pitt and Aniston didn’t invite the media to their shindig. Still, we mingled with the paparazzi to bring you the following blow-by-blow rundown of the events on the scene that led up to the Big Event.

Aniston, Pitt

3:30 p.m.: We’re here. From the hill on Decker Canyon Road (where all the media types have gathered, futilely attempting to get usable video or photos), we can see the catering crew bustling about inside the wedding grounds. We can hear a band rehearsing some R&B tunes, and two big helium balloons (one with a clowny face, the other a kitty cat) hover over the area. Outside the compound, there are security guard and sheriff’s vehicles everywhere.

4 p.m.: Security guards admit a catering van from a company called Rosebud Cakes onto the grounds. Rosebud was his sled’s name. … Is this a clue? We decide it probably isn’t.

4:15 p.m.: A woman looking suspiciously like Lisa Kudrow enters in a Suzuki 4×4.

4:20 p.m.: The woman in the Suzuki, who we now realize looks nothing like Lisa Kudrow, exits and makes a U-turn into an adjacent driveway. We learn that this driveway leads to the home of Marcy Carsey, a big-wig TV producer, who’s hosting the Pitt-Aniston affair. Secretly, we feel stupid; we still assumed that the wedding site was Pitt’s own pad. We decide, however, it’s best to pretend we knew the truth all along, and not admit our ignorance to the other media types nearby.

4:30 p.m.: A Brad Pitt wannabe in a camel colored Armani suit begins standing guard outside the compound.

4:35 p.m.: An older gentleman riding a blue mountain bike stops by the front gate and asks questions.

4:40 p.m.: The Armani guy politely asks the gentleman to leave.

5 p.m.: The clowny face and the kitty kat balloon are joined by about a half-dozen other large balloons, and now they’re all soaring hundreds of feet in the air, encircling the perimeter of the wedding grounds. Not long thereafter, the first news helicopter arrives and hovers just outside the balloon circle.

5:02 p.m.: A dozen sheriff’s deputies pop out of their cars and erect a yellow police tape barrier at both sides of the entrance. The good part is about to begin. Hopefully.

5:15 p.m.: The first group of celebrity guests in a 24-seat limousine bus arrive. Of course the windows are pitch black. We can’t see anybody.

5:40 p.m.: The sixth limousine bus arrives, and we think we glimpse Lou Diamond Phillips. But we’re not sure. Jennifer, John Aniston

5:50 p.m.: Finally, a good old-fashioned limousine. The vehicle is carrying Jennifer Aniston’s father, John Aniston (“Days of Our Lives”). The limo knocks over an orange cone while making a U-turn, causing a scene.

6:15 p.m.:’s own Gerry Katzman re-enacts the nuptials outside the wedding compound by uniting a pair of Barbie and Ken dolls. Members of the media show their appreciation with hearty laughs.

6:30 p.m.: We get a bright idea: Since all the celeb guests are arriving in vans, we decide to follow one of the vans back to the rendezvous point. We succeed, sort of. All the stars are getting into the vans at Malibu High School, but by the time we figure this out, all the stars are already at the wedding.

7 p.m.: It’s official. We get confirmation from sheriff’s deputies that the couple have exchanged vows. Hooray!

7 p.m. to 10 p.m.: The wedding reception. Bet it was fun.

10:30 p.m.: The $1 million wedding winds down. Brad and Jen finish blowing their wad with a $20,000 fireworks display.