Rich Douche: Donald Trump
All ridiculous hair jokes aside, (Cough dead squirrel on your head cough cough) Donald Trump is a douche simply because he's arrogant, pompous, and has more money than most countries. But rather than donating a small portion of his multi-billion dollar fortune, Trump chooses to dangle his generosity like a cat toy on a string. A good deed shouldn’t come with a catch (or a ridiculously insulting insinuation to our Nation’s president). Oh and for the record global warming IS real.
Narrow Minded Douche: Ann Coulter
Is there anyone more smug in their ignorance and general offensiveness than Ann Coulter? The woman gets off on being in the news, and she'll do anything — call our President names, offend everyone you can think of (people with mental disabilities, army families, coastal families, liberal families, gay people, straight people, Islamic worshippers, people of Arabic decent, women) — for attention. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. She especially hates people who are into accepting others as they are and knowing what the definition of "human" is from a empathetic standpoint. Usually these people can be ignored, but not Ann. Because Ann does all of hers under the guise of having some sort of political authority, which is so laughable I think I just vomited up my own stomach from a mean case of the guffaws. Ann Coulter is just another bag of hot air looking for fame. And she's the kind of warm pile of garbage that deserves not attention at all. What a f**king douchebag.— Alicia Lutes
Little Douche: Lily Tucker-Priichett
ABC Television Network
They may have joked about it at this year’s Emmy’s, but we believe there's some serious truth behind that video showing the youngest 'Modern Family' member terrorizing the cast. Now before you get all pissed off and appalled that we’re calling this little girl a douche, please keep in mind that we’re calling out the character Lily, not her off-screen counterpart Aubrey Anderson-Emmons. Some of this little demon’s finest lines have included mumbling “Kill the new baby,” shouting, “F*ck!” in the middle of a wedding, and screaming “My daddy!” while shoving others—including a newborn!—out of the way. We understand that she’s currently going through her terrible toddler years, but she’s still a pint-sized douche.
article continues below ad
Sexy Douche: Ryan Lochte
This speedo-enthusiast is impressively fast in the water, but out of the pool Ryan Lochte is just a shirtless tool. From his $25,000 diamond and ruby custom grill that he worse on the medal stand, (despite explicit instructions not to), his pathetic on-camera skills, and his stolen catchphrase, “Jeah!!!”, Lochte spent his summer of victory like it a was a giant frat-filled spring break. True the girls may swoon as he struts past them in neon green sneakers and gold chains but remember ladies: He’s douchey and he knows it.
Funny Douches: Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, Chris Rock, and David Letterman on Louie
When just one showbiz superpower is working against you, you can count yourself pretty darn unlucky. But leave it to the chronically unfortunate Louis C.K. to muster enemies in Jay Leno, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, and — the man behind it all — David Letterman. A third season episode of 'Louie' had our hapless hero trying out to take over 'Late Show' hosting duties following Letterman’s secret retirement… a plan that turned the likes of Leno, Rock, and Seinfeld into sneaky, manipulative, underhanded bastards out to see Louis fail. And the kicker: the whole thing was a scam perpetrated by Letterman, who left Louis not only without the position but with an open warning that he’d never be a welcome guest on The Late Show again. They’re all just out to get him.—Michael Arbeiter
Royal Douche: Joffrey Baratheon
Joffrey is a sadistic, sniveling, satanic brat. When his uncle presented him with two prostitutes as a nice lil' gift, he decided to forego sleeping with them in favor of having one torture the other. Commonly known for beheading, Joffrey is by far the biggest douche in all of Westeros — and he has secured a spot on our list, despite his fictitious nature. Naturally, I named my kitten after him. — Shaunna Murphy
article continues below ad
Spotlight Stealing Douche: Megan Draper
This lady-douche practically came out of nowhere, and messed everything up in our beloved TV drama. Not only did she try to steal the spotlight in practically every scene, she kicked out Dr. Faye — who we all know was good for Don. She's just lazy, and would rather marry a rich, hot guy to get ahead than actually do any sort of work — which, btw, is "acting" or "modeling" — but she really just needed Don's call to get the gig at the end of Season 5. Now we think Don isn't into her in the same way he was before. She just plays the "independent woman" card but doesn't really live up to it in the end.
TV News Douche: Bill O'Reilly
There are many reasons one might place political commentator Bill O’Reilly on a douchebag list. He’s a notorious talker-overer. He hated “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry. He thinks you’re a “stoned slacker” if you’re watching ‘The Daily Show.’ But when he responded to President Obama’s reelection, saying the people who voted for Obama wanted “stuff and things” and touted the win as the death of “traditional America,” he was not only making a half-assed, condescending, unfair generalization, he was ignoring the basic principles of the American dream… and the basics of American history.—Kelsea Stahler
The Douchiest Douche: Chris Brown
From dressing up as a terrorist during Halloween, to his recent Twitter feud in which he said he’d like to ”shart” in a girl’s mouth, to that whole ongoing Rihanna thing, we don’t need to say much more. Chris Brown is the ultimate douchebag. Congratulations!