By Thomas Leupp
Though
Garry Marshall hasn’t made a decent flick since 1990’s
Pretty Woman, he still apparently wields a not inconsiderable amount of clout in Hollywood. What else could explain the all-star ensemble of actors who gathered for
Valentine’s Day? Among the major names found probing the turgid depths of the nearly 80-year-old director’s insipid rom-com are
Julia Roberts,
Anne Hathaway,
Ashton Kutcher,
Jessica Alba,
Jamie Foxx,
Jessica Biel,
Taylor Lautner, and various other prominent actors who either owe favors to Marshall, or whose incriminating photos he holds in his possession.
A slice-of-life tale unfolding in Los Angeles over the course of a single Valentine’s Day, the film chronicles the romantic adventures of a diverse cast of characters at various stages of relationships and encompassing virtually every conceivable demographic category. Their ages, backgrounds, and perspectives often dramatically differ, but they each share one trait in common: Almost without exception, they are all ceaselessly, painfully, disastrously unfunny.
Some temper their dishumor with a dose of the annoying, like Kutcher, whose dopey florist Marshall unwisely chose to anchor
Valentine’s Day’s story around. Others add a dash of the preposterous, like Roberts, dressed in military fatigues in a laughable attempt to play a U.S. Army Captain on leave from the front. Still others add cloying sentiment to the mix, like
Bryce Robinson’s lovelorn 10-year-old, whose grandparents, played by
Shirley MacLaine and
Hector Elizondo, ply him with nostalgic romantic tips, pre-fabricated for maximum inter-generational cuteness. Whatever your preferred method of cinematic torture may be, you’ll undoubtedly encounter it in this film.
In addition to challenging the pain threshold,
Valentine’s Day offers a test of endurance as well, its story requiring over two hours to satisfy the narrative demands of its swollen cast. If you didn’t despise Hallmark’s ersatz holiday before, you certainly will after enduring this
Bataan Death March of rom-coms.