10 Things More Terrifying Than a Child Assassin

HannaThis is the face of a child who could kill you like so many flies vanquished by swatters. When Hanna hits theaters this weekend she will terrify you, but trust me, there are worse things. Much worse things. You can thank your lucky stars you’ll probably never have to encounter these things when you’re rocking back and forth in bed and complaining about being unable to shake nightmares of Saoirse Ronan standing over you with a machete.

1. Kathy Bates With a Hammer

Well, unless you really hate having functioning ankles. You’ve seen what happens in Misery, right? Oh, you haven’t? Okay, well this is a helpful little video to better explain this one. It’s not so bad. (YES IT IS.)

2. Bai Ling Singing “I Touch Myself”

This is probably the strongest case you will ever see or hear for cutting off your own ears and poking your own eyes out.

3. The KFC Double Down

This is a grim tale to be sure. There is a sandwich so terrible, so greasy, so overstuffed, so disgusting that they’re only allowed to sell it in Rhode Island and Nebraska. So gut-busting that you may have to call out sick for a whole week after eating it. So sickening that grown men cower in its presence. That sandwich is the KFC Double Down.

4. Jabba The Hutt’s Tongue

C’mon. You saw the movie. The big monster in the pit that eats the blue dancer and tries to eat Luke: NBD. The pit monster in the desert: NBD. A crusty old white dude that can shoot lightning out of his fingers: NBD. Jabba’s disgusting tongue: the scariest fucking thing in the whole movie.

5. That Moment When We Thought Mad Men Might Not Come Back

It was brief, because we figured there was no way AMC would let something as VITAL TO LIFE go unfinished, but there was a moment where it us that Mad Men could end FOREVER if those folks didn’t just figure their shit out. It was enough to make a girl want put on her favorite pink robe, smoke a cigarette and shoot some pigeons in the backyard.

You Are My Special Angel, MAD MEN – Betty Draper… by culturemp3

6. Jack Nicholson Smiling In Any Context

Sure, we all know he had the creepy smile when he played the Joker and when he busted through a door in The Shining, but no matter what the context, he’s got the creepiest smile I’ve ever seen. Case and point: this scene from As Good As It Gets that is actually supposed to be one of the most touching moments in recent film history, but as soon as he smiles, I can’t help but be absolutely TERRIFIED that he might be preparing to come after me with an ax.

7. Getting Your Heart Ripped Out By the Guy From The Temple of Doom

I still have nightmares about this guy coming after me and screaming “KAH-LEE-MAH!” as he tries to extract my heart straight from my chest with HIS BARE HANDS. But to Indy’s credit, snakes are pretty fucking scary too.

8. Baby Sinclair from Dinosaurs

You probably still avoid calls from your aunt who lives down the block because your baby cousin projectile vomited and screamed so much during your last stint as a baby sitter that you thought you might have to call for an exorcism, but guess what? That’s not that bad because this existed on television for a short time. Every other baby is a freaking cake walk, okay?

9. ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”

It’s a haunting song, okay? There’s a reason it was beyond just an ironic use of the song when Community placed in the background of a full-on zombie attack. It’s terrifying.

10. The Toilet in the Jersey Shore House

There is pretty much zero video evidence out there on the interwebs, but that’s probably for the best because this is probably the scariest item on our list. In case you didn’t subject yourself to this torture, the disgusting toilet was clogged for WEEKS on the MTV show. WEEKS. Blegh. You know what’s even scarier though? Snooki tried to use it as an opportunity to hit on the “juicehead” plumber. Scariest pickup ever.

Ronnie Jersey Shore Toilet Clogged